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THE CAMEO’s BLOOPER REEL Tenth Jixaversary
Edition
A Person of Interest, Part 1 Scene 1, Take 1 Jerrod: *motions to right* I don’t believe you’ve been introduced
to the SPD’s newest recruit, not to mention my
partner, Max. Shepherd. Max, this is Private Detective Honey Wheeler. Max: *flashes dazzling smile
and nods in Honey’s direction* Hey, how you doin’? April: Cut! C’mon, Max. You
aren’t Joey from Friends. Stick to the script. Let’s try it again. Max: *flashes dazzling
smile and nods at Honey*
Check out the gun show, baby! *shows off impressive biceps by making muscles dance* April: Cut! Max, I thought
you were more than a pretty face. Your line is, It’s a pleasure to meet
you, Honey. Take it from the top. And, action! Max: *flashes dazzling
smile and nods at Honey*
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Diana. April: Cut! This is Honey,
not Diana! Scene 1, take three.
Action! Max: *purses lips in his
best Derek Zoolander impersonation* It’s a pleasure
to meet you, Honey. April: Cut! *whacks Max on head with a rolled up copy
of the script* Can’t
you read?! You’re supposed to flash Honey your most dazzling smile and nod at her. Max: We’ve done this
scene, like, (pauses to count on fingers) four times, and my cheeks hurt from all the
smiling. April: *shakes head in
disgust* It’s a good thing you’re
pretty because you’re dumb as a box of rocks. Scene 2, Take 1 Honey: *after a lengthy
appraisal of Max’s finer attributes*
Welcome to... *giggling prettily* Oops, sorry. I forgot my
line. April: Cut! Are you okay,
Honey? You usually don’t have any trouble with your lines. *shooting a dirty look in Trixie’s direction* Unlike some people on this set... Honey: *winks at Max and then lazily runs her
tongue along her lips in sensual way* Oh, I’m fine. April: All right, let’s
take it from the top. Scene 2, take 2! Action! Honey: *enjoys another
lengthy appraisal of Max*
Welcome to... Um, where do I live? April: Cut! Are you sure
you’re okay, Honey? You live in the same place you’ve lived for almost 13 years. Honey: *blowing kisses at
Max while striking a seductive pose* And where is that? April: Sleepyside! You
live in Sleepyside! Now say your line so we can wrap this thing up. Honey: *takes an
especially long time giving Max a thorough look up and down* Is it hot in here or is it just me? I feel like I’m on fire! *fanning
flushed face with her hair* April: Cut! Somebody
get the water hose and spray Honey down!
I knew I shouldn’t have hired somebody so pretty. Scene 5, Take 1 Honey: *clears throat* I don’t suppose either of you know where
Dan is, do you? We have an appointment with him at six. Trick: Excuse me, I
didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but― April: Cut! *narrows eyes and scrutinizes the actor playing
Trick* Who are you? Trick: *flashes
lopsided grin and fixes his picture-perfect dark hair* Don’t you recognize me? I’m Trick, WVU
quarterback. April: Yes, you’re
Clint Trickett, otherwise known as Trick. However,
I need Patrick White, AKA Patrick
Wright, on the set. He’s the one playing Trick in this universe. Clint: Sorry about
that. My agent told me you had a part for a WVU quarterback. I thought you could use me. April: *blushes a
hundred shades of pink*
Get Pat on set. And Clint, please wait on the couch in my office. I’m sure I
can cast you somewhere. Hair as good as yours deserves to be on screen. Clint: *smiles, accentuating dimples* I’m willing to do
anything to get a break. April: *touches fingertips delicately to forehead
and then gracefully falls to the floor in a faint, Purposely staying down until
after Clint performs mouth-to-mouth* Scene 41, Take 1 Trixie: Huh, you’ve got that right. *snorts loudly* Why, if I didn’t love him so much,
I’d... I’d...I’d put another
hole in his head! Dan: *winks at
Trixie* Don’t tell me I’ve knocked
Batman off his pedestal. April: Cut! Wrong
superhero, Dan. It’s Superman, not Batman. Try it again. Dan: *winks at Trixie* Don’t tell me
I’ve knocked Iron Man off his pedestal. April: Cut! Superman,
Dan! Superman! Take 3! Action! Dan: *winks at
Trixie* Don’t
tell me I’ve knocked Spiderman off his pedestal. April: Cut! Clean
your ears out, Dan! As I’ve already told you several times, it’s Superman! Dan: I can’t help
it! I’m a Marvel man, not a DC fan. April: Frankly, so am
I, but for continuity’s sake, it’s Superman! Don’t you remember the Kryptonite story I posted a while
back? Dan: *shrugs
shoulders* I
wasn’t in that one, so it really didn’t interest me. But that
Wood-Chopping story? Now that was brilliant! April: *rolls eyes* And people think Diana is a diva... Scene 50, Take 1 Dan: Well, then I
advise you to remember how much you love him the next time you see him so I don’t have to file a restraining order to keep
him safe. (The ensuing silence is broken by a knock at
the door.) Trick: *opens door
and pokes head inside room*
Steve, you’ve got a phone call. Do you want to take it in here? Dan: Who’s Steve? April: I believe Pat was thinking of Steve Slaton,
one of the greatest running backs in WVU history.
He was Pat’s best friend and roommate. Dan: Wow, you really
did suffer a few concussions, didn’t you? April: *shoots dirty look at Dan* Show some respect. Pat is a legend, the
only quarterback in NCAA history to win four bowl games. Dan: But he called
me Steve! April: I don’t care!
Dan: But my name’s Dan! April: If Pat wants
to call you Steve, he’ll call you Steve, and you’ll like it! Dan: But he’s a
stupid created character, and I’m canon! I’m not just canon! I’m a Bob- White! You
yelled at that other created character for calling Honey by the wrong name! April: Of course I
did! Max is based on somebody I don’t like. Trick isn’t! So shut up and let him call you Steve! Dan: But I’m Dan
the Man! My fan club is international! Nobody but you cares about this Trick
guy! April: Do I need to
kill you off, Steve? Because I will if I have to... A Person of Interest, Part Two Scene 2, Take 1 Madeline:
...only a few inches. Or perhaps just a little off the top. Al: *speaking in
a crisp, British accent* I beg your
pardon, Mrs. Wheeler, but I would prefer not to be given a haircut by your stylist. I’m sure he’s a
fine chap; however, I like my hair just the way it is. April: Cut! Um, Al,
you do realize that you’re a former member of the Outlaws motorcycle gang,
not a professor from Oxford University. Al: *speaking in
a much gruffer voice*
Sorry ‘bout that. I thought I seen Miss Trask off set. She’s a
real classy broad, and good-lookin’, too. I just
wanted to show that tomato that I ain't just a dumb mug. Hey,
since you’re the don of this here family, how ‘bout you write somethin’ good about me that’ll
show her that I ain’t so bad. April: For starters,
you could stop calling her a tomato... Scene 16, Take 1 Matthew: *gritting teeth* Don’t worry, Al. I want to kill him, but
I’m not going to. Al: Well, I don’t recommend that you break a
leg― April: Cut! Al, that’s “break an
egg,” not “break a leg.” Al: You sure about that?
That don’t make no sense. April: Yes, I’m sure. Now try it
again. Al: *shrugs, then begins his
line* Well, I don’t recommend that
you break an egg, but I can’t say
that I’d blame you if you did. Mr. Jim’s so crazy about that girlfriend of
his― April: Cut! It’s not “crazy,” Al,
it’s “’dizzy for.” And it’s moll, not
girlfriend. Take it from the top. Al: *rolls eyes then begins
line* Well, I don’t recommend that you
break an egg, but I can’t say
that I’d blame you if you did. Mr. Jim’s so dizzy for that moll of his that
he ain’t makin’
no sense. After that fall he took, I don’t think his big
brain is workin’ right. April: Cut! You almost had it, Al,
but it isn’t “working right.” It’s “hittin’ on all
eight.” Al: *facepalm* Where do you come
up with this crap? Scene 31, Take 1 Matthew: So what do we
do? Al: I dunno. Love him in spite of the fact he’s bein’ a bologna― April: Cut! That’s
chumbolone, not bologna. Scene 31, take 2! Action! Al: I dunno. Love him in spite of the fact that he’s bein’ a minestrone― April: The word is
chumbolone, not minestrone! Take it from the top. Al: I dunno. Love him in spite of the fact that he’s bein’ a macaroni― April: Cut! Let’s
break for lunch. I’m hungry all of a sudden... Scene 59, Take 1 Charlie: Let’s say we
do believe you, Jim. What would you have done if Amanda had told you? Jim: I wouldn’t
have killed her, that’s for sure. Charlie: So what
would you have done? Jim:
*shrugging* I would’ve gone on
with my life; I certainly wouldn’t have ended hers. Charlie: But you would’ve been devastated? Jim: Well...
well... well, no I wouldn’t! I would’ve been overjoyed if she’d broken up
with me! As a matter of fact, we weren’t even engaged! I broke up with her
ages ago and am now engaged to Trixie! April: *waving
arms madly as she runs onto the set*
Cut! You aren’t supposed to say
that! Jim: But you
want me to lie, and I don’t lie. I’m Jim Frayne, the honorable Bob-White! I’m
honest, reliable, and hard-working. I don’t lie! April: You aren’t lying, Jim. You’re
merely stretching the truth a tiny bit. Let’s try it again. Jim: Well...well...well... *clutches red hair* I can’t do it! It’s not totally honest! April: *sighs* Okay, think about
this. You promised the Woodwards that you’d keep the secret. If you tell
the police that you and Amanda had already broken up, you’d break your
promise to them, and that would be lying. At least if you lie to the
detectives, you’ll be keeping your promise to Amanda’s parents, and that’s the least you can
do. After all, it is your fault that she’s dead. April’s Assistant: Don’t you think
you’re being a little harsh on Jim? April: Shut up!
Unless I lay a guilt trip the size of Texas on him, he isn’t stretching the
truth. And if we don’t get through this scene, we
can’t wrap this up. April’s Assistant: You’re right.
Try it again, but this time, lay it on a little
thicker. Scene 71, Take 1 Bennie: Well, for
starters, who is Trixie? *snickers* Sounds like a stripper to me. Jim: *jumps out
of hospital bed, picks up side table, and throws it at Bennie* Don’t you ever disrespect the woman I love! She’s no stripper! She’s my
special girl! (Bennie lies on floor, unconscious.) April: Medic! We
need some help in here! A Person of Interest, Part Three Scene 15, Take 1 Trixie: That’s not
the point. Men are stupid when it comes to sports. Dan: Huh, I know
some women that are just as, or even more, fanatical about their team. I
dated one chick that burned coaches after her team won a big
game. April: Cut!
That’s “couches,” not “coaches,” Dan! Dan: What’s the
difference? April: Well, if
you’re the coach, there’s a big
difference! As fanatical as
Mountaineer fans are, we'd never burn an
actual coach. Unless you count the thousands of cardboard cutouts of Rich
Rodriguez that were burned after he went to Michigan... Dan: But why
would you burn a couch? What purpose does that serve? I mean, I understand
why you might set a “coach” on fire if you got really mad at
him, but why would you burn a couch? Besides,
if you burn a couch, what will you sit on when you watch the next game? April: You burn a
couch to celebrate! Dan: But how
does that celebrate anything? April: Why do we
put a tree in our houses for Christmas? And why do we hunt eggs at Easter? You just
do it! Dan: *shaking
head* You
hillbillies are weird. April: Watch it, Dan. I still have the power
to kill you off. Scene 32, Take 1 Trixie: How do you
know? Have you seen his birth certificate? Dan: He went to
the University of Pittsburgh right out of high school, graduated with an Associate
degree in criminal justice, and spent a year in the academy. So unless he
pulled a Dopey Howser― April: Cut! That’s
Doogie Howser, Dan. Dopey
is one of the Seven Dwarfs. Try it again. Dan: He went
to the University of Pittsburgh right out of high school, graduated with an
Associate degree in criminal justice, and spent a year in the academy.
So unless he pulled a Doogie House― April: Cut! It’s Doogie
Howser! House is the cranky doctor loosely based on
Sherlock Holmes! Dan: Who the
heck is Doogie Howser?! April:
*burying face in hands* You’re hopeless. Simply hopeless. Scene 54, Take 1 April: Okay,
for this next scene, Dan, you’re going
to give Trixie some friendly advice and then kiss her forehead in a brotherly way. Okay, let’s try it.
Scene 54, take 1! Action! Trixie: Butt
out? Butt out of what? Dan: Out of
Honey’s love life. You mean well, but you aren’t helping. In fact, you could
be causing a lot of trouble. Trixie: Gee, thanks. Dan: *pulls
her closer and kisses her full on the mouth in a non-brotherly way* April: Cut!
Cut! Cut! What are you doing?! I’m a traditionalist! Well, mostly anyway!
Stop this right now! This
is wrong, wrong, wrong!!! (Dan and Trixie pull apart and bust out laughing.) Dan: Sorry.
We couldn’t resist. Trixie: Yeah,
April. You’ve been doing this ten years now. Wasn’t
it time to throw the Dan and
Trixie fans a bone? April:
*sticking fingers in ears and chanting in loud, singsong voice* I’m not hearing
this! I’m not hearing this! Scene 59, Take 1 (Honey and Max enter scene, carrying a tray
of hot beverages and a bag of goodies) Trixie: *bumps
against Max, causing him to spill hot liquids all over himself* Max: *screaming
bloody murder* Trixie: *grinning broadly* Oops. Sorry about that. April: We
need the medic again! Mental note―Next time don’t
use hot beverages for this scene. Scene 62, Take 1 Max: *ogling
Honey and sending her some seriously seductive vibes* I should probably get back to work. Trixie: *testily* Um, yeah, probably. After all, the taxpayers aren’t paying you
to stand here and
grope my best friend. April: *laughing* Cut! The line is “gawking at,” not “groping.” Max: *waggling
brows* Although
I’ll grope her if you want me to. Honey: *giggling prettily and batting
eyelashes* April: Keep it up, Maxie
poo, and the only person you’ll be groping is Mr. Lytell. A Person of Interest, Part Four Scene 4, Take 1 Brenda: *speaking
in an exaggerated (AKA put-on) Southern drawl* Yes, sirree, I wish Jim all
the best. I only hope he can bounce back and find happiness
someday. Speaking of that, do you know
who I wish Jim would end up with? Not right away, of
course, but after he’s had a chance to grieve. Do you know who I’m talking about?
Do you? (Mart sighs, absolutely miserable as he
listens to Brenda drone on and on.) Brenda: Do you, Mart? Mart: No, I’m
afraid I don’t, Brenda. Brenda: Well, that should be obvious, Mart. The answer is your
sister―Trixie! Really, I can’t believe you
didn’t think of it yourself. Those two were just made for each other, and now
fate has given them a second chance. Maybe Jim’s luck is finally changing.
(Brenda leans across desk and assumes
conspiratorial tone.) I was at the country
club at the big New Year’s Eve party. Goodness knows, I always mind my own business― Mart: Stop! Just shut up, you old
heifer! I can’t take any more! Is it possible for you to shut your trap for five
seconds, or have you talked so much over the years that you’ve
worn out the hinge that keeps your mouth closed? I mean, I like to talk, but at
least I spew out worthless facts, not nasty gossip! Brenda: *huffs and
puts hands in hips in an indignant fashion*
April, aren’t you going to yell
cut? April: *rolling on floor, laughing butt
off* Heck, no! And I’m going to fire
any camera- man
that hasn’t gotten this on tape. That was AWESOME! Scene 15, Take 1 Brenda: Well, I
wasn’t sure what to think, but I was sure there was a reasonable explanation. After all, Jim has more character in his
little finger than most men have in their whole bodies.
And Trixie... What a lovely girl! So impetuous and blunt! April: Cut!
Brenda, your line is “so refined and ladylike.” Brenda: Oh. I thought that was a typo. That’s really
the line? April: It is.
Do you think you can manage it? Brenda: Of
course I am! I am a professional. April: Yeah,
sure you are. Let’s take it from the top. Scene 15, take 2! Action! Brenda: Well, I
wasn’t sure what to think, but I was sure there was a reasonable explanation. After all, Jim has
more character in his little finger than most men have in their whole bodies.
And Trixie... What a lovely girl! So impatient and tomboyish! April: *throws
clapboard on floor*
Cut! That’s not the line, Brenda! It’s refined and ladylike! Brenda: Listen,
I know you’re the director and writer, but I think I know my character more than
you do. As astute and intuitive as Brenda is, she would never call Trixie
refined nor
ladylike. April: Um, if that’s your
description of this character, then you’re neither astute nor intuitive,
but whatever. The point is that Brenda is a butt-kissing gossip, and she’s trying to
butter Mart up for more info. Brenda: Well, honey, let me tell you, this
is my scene, and I’ll play it how I
think best. April: Well,
honey, let me tell you, this is my
universe, and you’ll play it how I tell you to, or
you’ll be out of a job. Got that, honey?
Scene 29, Take 1 April: Okay, in this scene, Mart
socks Bill in the nose. Mart, do you think you’ll be able to manage
a fake punch? We want it to look realistic, but we don’t want anyone hurt. Mart: Of
course I can. It’ll be a piece of cake. April: Are you sure? Mart: *holds
out hands, palms upturned* Hey, I’ve
got this. April: All
right, since you’re so confident, we’ll try it. Scene 29, take 1! Action! Bill: *whining* Don’t you realize
how much trouble I could get into? Mart: Yeah, I
do, but I don’t really care. Bill: I stuck my neck out for you,
and this is how you repay me? Mart: *balls us fist, draws back, and slams
it against Bill’s nose* No, that’s how I― Oops. That didn’t
go like I thought it would. Bill: *holding
hands under nose as blood gushes out*
You really hit me! I think you broke
my nose! Mart: Oops.
Sorry about that. April: We
need a medic in here! *examines Bill’s
nose* Wow, I’ve never seen a nose so
crooked. It looks like it’s sideways. He looks just
like a Picasso painting. Mart: And
look at all that blood! Are those clots? Oh, that’s so awesome! April: It sure did swell up fast. I
hope that first take is usable, because I don’t think we'll
be able to reshoot. Bill: Um, a little help here! April’s Assistant: The
medic’s on his lunch break. April: Then
send in Brian. He may not be a real doctor, but he plays one in fanfic. A Person of Interest, Part Five Scene 1, Take 1 (Scene opens in hospital. Brian is drumming
fingers on wall, while Honey stands nearby.) Honey: *sharply* Do you mind? Brian: *still
tapping* Mind
what? Honey: You’ve
been using that wall as a bongo ever since we got out here. I’m sure your fingers
could use a break. Brian: *pauses his jam session to grin at
Honey* No,
I’m fine. I could do this all eve― YOW! *clutches fingers to chest* Finger cramp!
Finger cramp! April: Cut! We need a member of member of Jixsters Who Like To Play Doctor With Brian out here to
massage out this cramp! Stat! Brian: Is MaryC
available? I’ve always had a thing for her... Scene 15, Take 1 Honey: *rolls eyes* Okay, but you still shouldn’t have
written on that chart. If you know about
this redhead-anesthesia-thing, the doctors here probably do, too. Brian: She
misspelled ‘judgment.’ She forgot the other ‘e’― April: Cut! I believe you misspoke, Brian.
Let’s try it again. Scene 15, take 2! Action! Honey: *rolls
eyes* Okay,
but you still shouldn’t have written on that chart. If you know about
this redhead-anesthesia-thing, the doctors here probably do, too. Brian: She
misspelled ‘judgment.’ She forgot the other ‘e’― April: Cut!
You did it again, Brian. The line is supposed to read, She misspelled
‘judgment.’ She added an extra
‘e.’ Brian: *furrows
brows thoughtfully* Noooo, judgment is spelled j-u-d-g-E-m-e-n-t. April: No, judgment is spelled
j-u-d-g-M-e-n-t. Brian: *chuckles* No offense, but I think I know how
to spell. After all, I skipped the third
grade. April: Then
they must’ve taught everyone how to spell ‘judgment’ in the third grade because you
obviously missed that lesson. Brian: I’m
a doctor! In multiple universes! I believe I know how to spell a little two-syllable
word like ‘judgment.’ April: I don’t care if somebody makes
you a theoretical physicist! Judgment only has one ‘e’ in it, and it doesn’t come after the ‘g’! *pulls out phone, accesses dictionary
application, and types in ‘judgment’*
See? There’s only one ‘e.’ Brian: Your phone is obviously
rigged. April: *snorts loudly* And people think Jim is stubborn! Scene 21, Take 1 (Scene opens at the Belden-Wheeler Detective
Agency. Trixie is exhausted from staying up all night. She is seated at her desk, occasionally
rubbing her eyes like she’s tired.) Trixie: *mutters
in a sleepy voice* I need some
caffeine. (Trixie stands up, goes over to coffeepot,
and tries to pour some in her cup. Nothing comes out.) Trixie: Who’s been drinking all the
coffee? April: Cut!
Get the caterers in here with a new pot of coffee. (Thirty minutes later...) April: There is now coffee in the coffeepot. Let’s
try it again. Scene 21, take 2! Action! Trixie: *mutters
in a sleepy voice* I need some
caffeine. (Trixie stands up, goes over to coffeepot,
and pours some in her cup. She adds a generous amount of cream and sugar. She takes a small sip. She takes her cup back to her
seat and prepares to sit down, but completely misses the chair. She falls to the floor, covers in coffee.) April: *clears
throat* Um, Trixie, you do realize
that you were supposed to wish you missed your chair,
not actually miss it, right? Trixie: Yes.
That was completely unintentional. Now I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up. April: Send the cleanup crew in here!
And we’re gonna need wardrobe, hair, and makeup! Trixie: A little help here? (One hour later...) Trixie: *mutters
in a sleepy voice* I need some
caffeine. (Trixie stands up, goes over to coffeepot,
and pours some in her cup. She adds a generous amount of cream and sugar. She takes a sip and then spews it across the room.) Trixie: Blech! It’s cold and tastes like dishwater! April: Someone
shoot me now. Scene 22, Take 1 Trixie: *sleepily* Who am I kidding? *rests head on crossed arms* I wouldn’t have slept. I would’ve tossed and turned all night,
worrying about Jim and that stupid article.
(Trixie falls asleep.) April: *cues
phone to ring* (Doorbell rings instead) April: Cut!
The phone’s ringing, not the doorbell. *rolls eyes* I’ll bet Peter Jackson doesn’t have
to put up with such incompetence. Scene 39, Take 1 Trixie: Nice
isn’t exactly the word I’d use to describe those so-called detectives. I have
a ton of respect for
the NYPD, but those two buffoons aren’t fit to scoop up the poop left
behind by the ten-foot cops! Jack: I’m
not sure which fact is more shocking―the fact that you have policemen
that tall or the fact
you let them $#!& in the― April: Cut!
Stick to the script, Jack. The word there is ‘crap,’ not that other wirty
dord that came out of
your mouth. Jack: *grinning
impishly in a manner that would make any heterosexual woman’s toes curl* Same difference. April: Huh!
This is The Cameo, buddy, not Cinemax! This is a
yellow-star story. Keep it clean! Jack: You can say $#!&
in yellow-star stories. April: Not in mine you can’t! You’ll
use ‘crap’ and you’ll like it, mister! And if you have a problem with that, you can find a job in some other
universe! Trixie: *offset* Pssst! Are
you sure you want to tell him that? With his following, he wouldn't have any trouble finding work in some other
universe. Jack: *smiles
smugly yet manages to maintain his drop-dead gorgeous looks* She’s right,
you know. April: Don’t mess with me, Jack Palmer. I brought
you into this universe, and I can take you out of it! A Person of Interest, Part Six Scene 15, Take 1 (Trixie is preparing to be interviewed by the
NYPD in the Sleepyside PD. She and Dan are Standing outside the interrogation room,
discussing what will happen.) Dan: *rolls
eyes* I hate to tell you this, but
your idea of telling the truth might not match the NYPD’s. Trixie: I know what I’m doing. I’m practically an
expert at evading the truth. Dan: Trixie, this is serious. This is a real-life
murder investigation, not a scene in one of your little Trixie
Belden fanfics. April: *bursts out laughing* Cut! Dan: Oh, crap! Did I say Trixie Belden? What’s
that fake series again? Nancy Drew? Trixie: Lucy
Radcliffe, but I like Dan’s idea better. On second thought.... Never mind.
That bottle blonde doesn’t need the publicity. *indignant
sniff* Scene 20, Take 1 Trixie: Yes, I believe I do. Are you going to
give me the Miranda warning? Charlie: Not at this time, no. Trixie: *frowning* Oh. Bennie: Does that disappoint
you? Trixie:
Well, this may sound silly, but I wanted
to hear the Miranda warning for myself because I
write fan fiction for Lucy Radcliffe, and I wanted to make sure that I didn’t leave
anything out. But since a person only hears the Miranda warning before
*gasping
for breath a little* being arrested,
and since I prefer avoiding prison, *turning a bit blue* I’d rather *takes several gulps of oxygen* not hear it. (Collapses on the table.) Oh my gosh! How does Honey do that on a regular basis! She
must have lungs of steel! Scene 40, Take 1 Charlie:
Trixie, are you in love with Jim Frayne? Trixie: That’s a stupid question. Duh! Of course I
love Jim Frayne! April: Cut! I admire your honesty, Trixie, but that isn’t
the line. Trixie: I know. I didn’t mean to say that. It just
popped out. I’ll do better next take. April: No
problem. Let’s try it again. Scene 40, take 2! Action! Charlie: Trixie,
are you in love with Jim Frayne? Trixie: Where
did that come from? Bennie: Just
answer the question. Do you love Jim Frayne or not? Trixie: Yes,
of course I do! I’m head over heels in love with him! *clamping hand over mouth* Oops. I did it
again. April: I’m
sympathetic, Trixie, honestly I am. However, we need to wrap this up. Try to
stick to the script, okay?
Let’s take it from the top. Scene 40, take 3! Action! Charlie: Trixie,
are you in love with Jim Frayne? Trixie: Did you say Jim Varney? Because if you did,
the answer is no. April: Cut! *starting to get a little frustrated* Trixie, you need to focus. Maybe you don't
realize how serious this is, but I HAVE to finish this. It’s my TENTH Jixaversary,
for crying out loud! Get your heart off your sleeve and say the line! Scene 40, take 4! Action! Charlie: Trixie,
are you in love with Jim Frayne? Trixie: *fighting
the urge to scream yes* Where did
that come from? Bennie: Just answer the question. Do you love Jim
Frayne or not? Trixie: More
than life itself! April: *smashes
clapboard against director’s chair*
Cut, cut, cut! Trixie, get a
grip! Trixie: I can’t
help it! Why don’t you change the line? Take out the Frayne, maybe? Then I could pretend
he meant some other Jim, like Jim Varney. April: What’s your obsession with Jim
Varney? Trixie: Have
you ever seen Jim Varney? He’s no
Jim Frayne. April: Okay, you’ve got a point, but
I’m not changing the line. You’re a professional actress, Trixie. Woman up,
and say the line the way it’s written. Let’s wrap this scene up. Time’s ticking
away. Scene 40, take 5! Action! Charlie: Trixie,
are you in love with Jim Frayne? Trixie: *through
gritted teeth* Where did that come
from? Bennie: Just
answer the question. Do you love Jim Frayne or not? Trixie: I cannot tell I lie! To thine own self be true! *climbs on top of the table* I am madly in love with James
Winthrop Frayne the Second! April: *shrugs,
tosses clapboard behind her* If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em. *climbs on
top of table beside Trixie* I love Jim
Frayne, too! Whoo! Trixie: Jim’s
still the most wonderful boy in the world! April: Forget
Dan the Man! JIM is the man!!! *starts
jumping up and down and waving her arms like a mad woman*
Jim and Trixie forever! Whoo-hoo! Defenders
of Jim, unite! A Person of Interest, Epilogue (Director AprilW
stands in the woods, holding a video camera. She is alone, without even a film crew to offer protection. It is dark and a foreboding fog hangs
low. She holds the camera at an angle that allows her to tape herself. Her hands are
trembling.) April: *whispering* This is AprilW,
writer and director of The Cameo and Dark Orchid Productions. I
know everyone is curious who Jim’s stalker is. Well, I wish I could tell you who it is, but I can’t say for sure. Since this
is my TENTH Jixaversary, I really wanted
to do something special, like wrap up that storyline. Since I couldn't
do that, I decided to go on a covert mission to reveal the identity of the person
that’s stalking Jim. I followed her to this remote cabin in the woods. I’m taking a huge
risk by taping this, but if I can reveal the stalker’s identity, it will be worth
it. Wish me luck! (Switches the camera angle so it is taping
what lies ahead. Pans in to a cabin
standing alone in the woods. AprilW creeps up to the window and
begins taping.) April:
*whispering as quietly as possible*
There she is...the stalker! She’s sitting at the table, typing on her computer. I wish I could see her
face, but her back is turned to me. (Door to cabin slowly and noisily creaks
open.) April: *keeping
voice low* Look! The door is open. It’s
probably a trap, but I’m going inside. If anything happens to me, remember, I did this for
Jim. (Creeps up to the door and goes inside.
Camera pans to the table, and April zooms in.) Stalker: Jim will be so pleased with
me― April: *risking
life by jumping up and confronting stalker* A-ha! I’ve got you now! You’re the one that’s been stalking Jim and that shot Amanda! (PatK turns
around.) PatK: April!
What are you doing here? April: I’m
on the trail of a stalker. What are you
doing here? PatK: I’m working on a
story. April: Sure
you are! You’re stalking Jim! PatK: *snorts* If I stalked any of the Bob-Whites,
it wouldn’t be Jim. I’d be stalking Dan. April: Well,
that’s true, I guess, but I just heard you say that Jim will be pleased with
you. PatK: I did
say that, but I just meant that I have something special planned for him in my universe. I might prefer Trixie being paired with Dan,
but I still write about Jim. April: Okay, you’ve got a point.
I guess I’ve got the wrong person. PatK: It happens to the
best of detectives. Just ask Trixie. At least you didn’t accuse me of being
a unicycling poacher. April: Yeah,
I guess so. By the way, congrats on ten years as an author. That really is
awesome. PatK: Thanks. And be
careful out there. My sources tell me there really is a crazy woman obsessed with Jim somewhere in these woods. April: I will. *pans camera to herself* On to the next... (A half hour later, April is hiding in the closet
of a dark house. She begins taping herself.) April: *in a voice barely
audible* This is AprilW
again. I haven’t given up on my search
for Jim’s stalker. My sources have led me to
this farmhouse. All the lights are off, and I’ve got to admit that it’s super creepy in here.
Remember, I’m all by myself, and there is no camera crew to bail me out of a tough
spot. I probably shouldn’t be doing something so foolhardy. I don’t have a gun or
even a can of mace. Worse, I can’t
whistle, so I can’t even use the Bob-White whistle if I need help. I should leave while I
can, or at least call for some backup, but I’m determined to wrap up this storyline one way or another. So let’s see who this
crazy person is. (Switches camera angle to tape the action
before her. Sneaks out of closet and tiptoes into the kitchen, where the stalker is sitting at the table, working on her
laptop. Her back is to April. There are dark, red stains covering
her arms. April begins taping.) Stalker: *laughing
in a maniacal manner*
Something to look forward to!
*rubs hands
together in wicked delight* April: Don’t move a muscle! I’ve finally
found you! I may not have any weapons, but I’ve watched
Karate Kid at least 20 times! Don’t make me use my ninja skills on you! (Steph H turns
around.) Steph H: April!
You finally came to see me! What are you doing here in Moms’ Kitchen? April: I’m
on the trail of a crazy Jim fan! Steph H: *giggling
in an adorable perky manner* Guilty as charged. April: Then you admit to
stalking Jim and killing Amanda? Steph H: No, of
course not. I’m too busy running marathons to plan a murder. April: But
you’re covered in blood! Steph H: *looks
down at red substance covering arms* This isn’t blood. This is strawberry
jam.
Would you like some? April: Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I want to
try some of your delicious strawberry
jam, but first you need to confess to murder.
After all, I just heard you laugh like
a serial killer and say, Something to look forward to! Steph H: I’m
working on my Jixaversary story. It’s my tenth, you
know. I want to post
something really special. April: That’s
understandable, but then you rubbed your hands together in wicked delight. Steph H: What
can I say? I’ve got something really good planned for my Jixaverary.
*winks at camera* April: So let me get this straight. You are a
crazy Jim fan, but you aren’t a murderer? Steph H: Right. April: Frankly, that’s a relief because if
you started chasing me, I’d never outrun you. I’d be a goner for
sure. Well, if I’m going to find this stalker, I’d better get back
to work. Steph H: Good
luck. By the way, I’ve heard through the grapevine that there’s a desperate
woman a couple of miles from here. She loves
Jim, but also enjoys torturing Trixie and
keeping her away from Jim. April:
Thanks for the tip. And best wishes on your upcoming Jixaversary. *pans
camera
angle on
herself* I’m not giving up yet. I’ll
find this stalker if it’s the last thing
I do! Stay tuned... (An hour later, April is hunkering inside a
dank, drippy cave. It’s pitch black inside, except for the light from the camera and the light from a laptop several feet away.
Once again, the stalker’s back is turned to April. However, it is obvious that the figure is
frustrated. April’s hands are trembling so badly that she
almost drops camera. She pans to herself.) April:
*speaks as softly as possible, her voice quivering from fear* This is AprilW.
I’ve tracked down the stalker
to this cave. It’s the perfect hiding spot for
planning
devious plot twists. In case you can’t tell, I’m absolutely terrified right
now. Not
only am I a stone’s throw away from a killer, there are tons of bats in
this
cave, and one of those critters would love to get tangled up in my hair.
However, I’m going to be brave and stay on the trail, even if it means
risking bats and spiders
and whatever other creatures are lurking in this cave. (Switches camera angle to the stalker, who is
working on her laptop. All of a sudden, the stalker clutches her hair and lets out a bloodcurdling scream.) Stalker: Trixie Belden! *shrieks shrilly* Nooooooooooooo!!!!!! (A bat chooses that moment to fly outside. On
its way out of the cave, it swoops down dangerously close to April’s head. She screams just as shrilly as the stalker.) April:
Kill it! Kill it! *screaming
and waving arms and running in circles* It’s going to eat me! Somebody do
something quick! (Kaye KL turns around, smirking in amusement
at April.) Kaye: It’s probably more afraid of you than you
are of it. April: I seriously doubt that! *breathes a sigh of relief as the bat
flies outside*
Now that that monster is gone, you have some serious explaining to do,
my friend. Kaye:
Listen, I’m working fulltime, going to grad school, and tending to
four kids.
I barely have time to breathe, so if you have something to ask me,
make it quick. April:
Why are you stalking Jim? And why did you murder Amanda? Kaye: Hey,
I might torture Jim from time to time, but I’ve never stalked him. And I certainly didn’t
kill Amanda. Although I have enjoyed watching the situation
progress... April:
But you’ve been with me from the very beginning! Weren’t you the one
that gave
Amanda that annoying goose laugh? Kaye: No, that was KayRenee’s
idea. *sighs sadly* I miss Kathy and her evil ideas. April:
*sighs sadly* Me too. Come to think of it, you’re right. That was
her idea. But you've had a few
wicked ideas through the years, too! Kaye:
Yeah, but I’m too busy dealing with my own storylines to start messing
with yours! April:
But I heard you! You screamed Trixie’s name and yelled no! And you
sounded
really scary. The hair on my arms stood up. Kaye: I’m
just really frustrated right now! I finally got Trixie to that dance,
but a lot still has to happen! I’m ready to
rip someone’s head off right now! April: You and me both, sister. I
know all about those storylines that refuse to quit.
I’ve been working on this stalker saga so long that I forgot who was
stalking Jim in the first place. Kaye: Seriously?!
You told me all about during that one visit.
*whispers the name to
April* Don’t you remember? April: Oh, yeah!
I remember now. Sorry for accusing you, but you did sound a woman
on the edge. Kaye:
*shrugs* No problem. Now get
lost so I can work on this story. I’ve got an
important Jixaversary
coming up. April:
That’s right! You became a Jix Author a few
months after me. *sighs happily* Those were some good times, some of the best
I’ve had at Jix. And you’ve been there with me from
the very beginning. Kaye: Yet you thought I was capable of stalking
Jim and killing Amanda. April: Don’t pull that innocent act on me, missy. I
know some of the evil plot twists you've got up your
sleeve. Kaye: *chuckles in a very ominous way* You know me so well. April:
Well, good luck. I hope
everyone survives your evil plot twists. Kaye: Mwah-haa-haaaaaaa!!! *begins
typing something on her laptop* April: O-kay. I’ll take that as my cue to leave. I’ll show myself
out. (AprilW leaves the
cave. It’s now daytime. She turns the camera on
herself.) April: Well,
I’m sorry I couldn’t unmask the stalker. I guess it’s up to Trixie, Honey,
and Jack to do
that. Word has it that Honey’s going to dig up a few clues in the next Story, but we’ll
have to wait and see. (Suddenly a woman on a unicycle whizzes by. She’s
dressed in a trench coat and is covered with blood. Her maniacal laughter echoes through the
forest.) April: There
she is! Gotta go! This situation is starting to
move along! Stay tuned for more updates at The Cameo! (Runs after the stalker, filming as she
runs.) April: Hey,
crazy lady, come back here! I need to film you! *huffing and puffing* Cut! That means you
need to stop! *wheezing like an
asthmatic having an attack* Did you hear me?
I yelled cut! Cuuuuut!!!
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