Author’s note:

This story is the sequel to “The Baby Blues” and continues Mart and Di’s story. To refresh your memory, although Mart and Di have been trying to conceive, so far they haven’t had any luck. Join us now as the Beldens Junior meet with a fertilization specialist. Will they find any answers?

Friday, January 28

Mart and Diana Belden sat in the doctor’s office, hands entwined and eyes glued on the man sitting across from them. Dr. Hunt, an expert in the causes of infertility, remained silent as he thoroughly examined the results of the tests they had undergone. He’d been poring over the documents since the nurse had ushered them into the office. Even after Mart and Diana had been seated, he continued to study the contents of his folder, his brow furrowed with what they assumed to be confusion. Mart began to wonder if the doctor was even aware of their presence.

Diana’s entire body trembled as she waited for the verdict. Sensing his wife’s apprehension, Mart squeezed her hand. Noticing the way he continuously tapped his foot in a steady rhythm, she returned the pressure. Neither were particularly patient by nature, and both were desperate to hear the prognosis that could ultimately change their lives.

The stress of the past year had taken its on toll on the young couple. Their attractive faces were strained with worry, and the dark shadows under their eyes hinted at many sleepless nights. For the most part, they had carried their burden alone. Only Diana’s mother and Trixie knew about their struggle to conceive a child.

Everyone that knew the pair perceived them to be the perfect couple. Mart and Diana had had the perfect courtship, the perfect engagement, and the perfect wedding, which all had led up to the perfect marriage. The only thing missing in their perfect life was a bundle of joy, and that fact caused them both immense pain.

After what seemed like a millennium, Mart cleared his throat quietly. The doctor, startled by their presence, finally spoke. “Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Belden,” he greeted. “I didn’t hear you come in.”

“Yes, you seemed awfully interested in our file,” Mart said in what he hoped was a steady voice. In reality, his insides were shaking like a leaf.

Diana narrowed her almond-shaped eyes as she tried to read the doctor’s expression. The fact that the expert was so intently studying their test results with such confusion worried her. “I hope there wasn’t a problem with our tests.”

“Oh, no, the results are right here. I know you’re anxious, so let’s not dawdle.” The doctor smiled kindly at them. “As I told you during our first visit, one out of every seven couples has difficulty conceiving, so you aren’t alone.”

He focused his gaze on Diana. “Mrs. Belden, you have no sign of endometriosis, your fallopian tubes have never suffered damage, and your hormones are balanced. Your ovaries are well developed and seem to be producing eggs. Although you’re slender, you certainly aren’t underweight, so that isn’t a problem. As young and healthy as you are, I find no reason you shouldn’t be able to conceive.”

Dr. Hunt shifted his attention to Mart. “Mr. Belden, as I told you during our previous visit, one-third of all infertility cases are due to a problem with the male reproductive system. Once I determined that the difficulty to conceive couldn’t be attributed to your wife, I assumed your sperm count was low. However, the tests revealed that they’re plentiful and mobile. You’re otherwise healthy, as well, so the trouble doesn’t seem to lie with you, either.”

“While I’m relieved that my little guys are plentiful and swimming around in there,” Mart began, “I’m a little confused. I’m thankful that Di and I seem to be fine, but why hasn’t she gotten pregnant?”

“Since there’s no physical or genetic explanation, there could be an environmental factor,” Dr. Hunt proposed. “Certain toxins can cause infertility. Have any other couples in your area experienced similar trouble?”

Diana shook her head sadly. “None that we know of. In fact, I went to a baby shower just last week.”

“It may be that you’re both independently fertile, but you can’t conceive together without assistance,” the doctor suggested.

Mart’s sandy brows gathered above the bridge of his nose. “Are you talking about in vitro fertilization?”

“Yes.” Dr. Hunt handed them some brochures. “If you decide to explore reproductive technology, you need to be aware that the financial burden is only one consideration. There’ll be emotional and physical costs, in addition to the monetary cost. The brochure should explain everything.”

“Exactly how expensive is the procedure?” Mart inquired.

“The average cost for one cycle is almost $13,000. This will include lab screenings, ultrasounds, lab work, egg recovery, and embryo transfer.”

Mart whistled under his breath.

“However, this does not include the cost of ovulation drugs and other medications,” Dr. Hunt continued. “Also, if you choose to freeze your unused embryos or sperm, there will be additional charges.”

“Will our insurance help cover the costs?” Diana asked.

“In New York an insurer is required to cover diagnosis and treatment of correctable medical conditions. However, IVF doesn’t fall under this category. Our clinic does offer a few financing options. If you decide to go this route, you can talk to someone in our financial aid department.”

Mart nodded mutely.

“Also, don’t underestimate the emotional risks,” the doctor added, noting the heartbreak in Diana’s eyes. “Couples who struggle to conceive are already under tremendous stress. While in vitro is largely successful, you may have to go through several rounds. Furthermore, there isn’t a one-hundred percent chance that you’ll ever become pregnant. For these reasons, I encourage all my patients to make an appointment with one of our counselors.

“Assisted reproductive technology has offered hope to countless couples unable to conceive on their own, but it isn’t an easy fix, nor is it always successful,” he reiterated. “On average, only one out of every five women will achieve a successful pregnancy.”

Sobered by those grim statistics, Diana had to choke back a sob. She clutched Mart’s hand even more tightly, trying to draw strength from him.

Mart inhaled deeply, and then exhaled slowly. He could tell that Diana—already fragile from their countless disappointments— was on the verge of a major breakdown. He had to be strong for her. “So, Doctor,” he began in a steady voice, “let’s say we put a second mortgage on our house, go through several rounds of these treatments, and still don’t have a baby. What then?”

“About 15% of the time, fertility experts can’t find a reason a couple can’t conceive. In these cases abnormalities are likely, but at this time we’re unable to detect them using current methods.”

“Could we fall into that category?” Mart questioned.

“Since we’ve been unable to determine the cause of your infertility, it is a possibility.”

Mart leveled his eye at the physician. “And if we are in that 15%, will that make it less likely that in vitro will work for us?”

“Possibly,” Dr. Hunt admitted. “Mr. and Mrs. Belden, I’ve given you a lot to consider. If you do decide to try assisted reproduction, please contact the clinic and we’ll begin the process at once. Good luck to you.”

“Thank you for your time,” Mart murmured as he ushered Diana out of the office. As they gave their billing information to the receptionist, Mart couldn’t help but think that they were no closer to having a baby than they were before.

Although neither Mart nor Diana was in the mood to shop after their visit to the fertility clinic, they had planned to stop by a couple of stores on their way home. One of the reporters at The Sun had invited them to her daughter’s birthday party, and they had to pick out a gift.

The couple had decided not to talk about what had been discussed in the doctor’s office. That would keep until they were in the privacy of their home. Both made a conscious effort to enjoy the rest of the day, although that would prove especially difficult for Diana.

Knowing his wife needed a boost, Mart had carefully planned their date several days ago. Lunch was his first and foremost concern. He’d made reservations at the Paper Moon Milano on East 58^th, which was across the street from the clinic. Diana had brightened slightly over her Insalata Tosca, and Mart thoroughly enjoyed his Linguine Vongole. Over their shared dessert of Tartufo and coffee, the couple held hands and talked about everything but the elephant in the room.

Once the last bite of ice cream had been polished off, Mart announced that a trip to Bloomingdale’s was in order. Usually, Diana loved to shop; it was her passion. “Bloomie’s”— the affectionate nickname for the fashionable department store on 59^th street— was one of her favorite haunts, and no matter how depressed she was, Diana always felt better when she went there. Today, however, going inside her favorite store barely elicited a smile.

“Do you want to go upstairs and look for a new outfit?” Mart offered magnanimously. He hated to shop, but he was determined to cheer up his wife, no matter the sacrifice. “I promise not to complain, even if you have to try on every single blouse on the third floor.”

This time, Diana’s smile was from her heart. Her violet eyes shone with love for her husband. “I’m not really in the mood to shop for myself, sweetheart. I think I’ll just go up to the toy department and pick out something for Britney.”

“If you’re sure…”

Diana nodded. “I’m kind of tired, Mart, so I’ll have to take a rain check. That is, unless this is a limited-time offer…”

“Oh, I suppose this offer can be redeemed at a later date,” Mart drawled with a grin. “So, do you need my help, or can I go off by myself?”

One of Diana’s carefully manicured eyebrows winged its way upward. “You’re going to go play with the currency exchanger, aren’t you?”

Mart giggled like a little boy that had just gotten caught eating glue. “How’d you guess?”

“Because every time we come home from a trip to Bloomie’s, I find an assortment of coins and bills in your pocket from all over the world.”

“Hey, I might want to start a coin collection someday.”

“You’re already well on your way,” Diana remarked, humor tingeing her attempt to sound annoyed.

“Adding to my coin collection isn’t the only fun thing to do,” Mart retorted. “I also like to bug the personal shoppers. It’s fun to send them on a wild goose chase.”

“Mart!” Her troubles momentarily forgotten, Diana glared at her husband, arms akimbo. “If you do something stupid and get me banned from Bloomie’s, I’ll never forgive you.”

“Would we be banned from the whole chain, or just the one store?” Mart paraphrased in his best imitation of Delmar from “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”.

Diana shoved him in the opposite direction. “Go to the Visitor’s Center. I think I can pick out a Barbie on my own.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Diana answered, chuckling. “I’ll meet you back here in thirty minutes.”

Mart checked his watch. “Sounds good to me.” He started to walk away, but his wife’s voice stopped him.

“And Mart?” Diana waited until he faced her. “Try and stay out of trouble.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he replied with a click of his heels and a smart salute.

Diana was looking forward to wandering around the toy department located on the eighth level. As a little girl, she’d loved to play with Barbies. Since her parents had barely had two nickels to scrape together back then, she’d only had a few. In fact, one had been a castoff from Trixie, who had preferred playing in the woods with her brothers to playing with dolls. By the time her sisters had been old enough for Barbies, the Lynches were rich. Sarah and Gracie had had an assortment of dolls, and Diana had joined her little sisters in their pretending even when she was a teenager.

The famous department store was a Barbie-lover’s Mecca. Bloomingdale’s had recently joined forces with Mattel to set up a Shop-in-Shop store that sold all the fashion dolls and accessories you could imagine. Although she’d heard about this wonderland, Diana had never seen it in person, but she was eager to correct that.

To get to the Barbie shop, Diana first had to go through the children’s department. She didn’t mind walking through the girls’ clothing. That wasn’t so bad. She smiled as she saw an array of shirts decorated with Hannah Montana, the cast of High School Musical, and the Jonas Brothers. Since she worked with young children, she recognized the familiar Disney stars.

However, it became increasingly more difficult as she walked through the toddlers’ section. In preparation for the upcoming Easter holiday, little suits and frilly dresses had been attractively displayed. Tiny purses, fancy hair accessories, dainty gloves, darling bonnets, and lacy tights were on nearby tables, hoping to inspire mothers to deck out their daughters from head to toe.

A little girl with black curls, freckles, and huge blue eyes was running her hand along a small, satiny clutch. Her chubby fingers felt the pretty rhinestones that adorned the lavender-colored bag, her gaze wistful. A warning glance from her mother caused the girl to stick her fingers in her mouth and away from the purse. The mother finally relented, and, with a smile, added the dainty handbag to their collection of purchases. Her daughter danced around with glee, pirouetting as best a four-year-old could.

Diana had always been a magnet for children. Her pretty smile and glittering eyes never failed to garner the attention of youngsters, and her compassion and unfeigned interest always gained their trust. This little ballerina was no different. As she passed Diana, she took the little handbag from her mother and held it up proudly.

“See the purse that Mommy’s buyin’ for me,” she said without a trace of shyness. “Ain’t it pretty?”

“Isn’t it pretty, dear,” the mother corrected patiently.

“Yeah, Mommy, that’s what I sayed.”

Diana resisted the urge to giggle, and instead knelt down to inspect the little purse. “It’s beautiful,” she replied enthusiastically. “Purple is my favorite color.”

“Mine too!” The curly-haired cherub pointed to a white dress spotted with light purple polka dots. “That’s the dress that Mommy buyed me last week. It’s at home with my baby brudder.”

“I’m sure it will look lovely on you,” Diana told her, resisting the urge to smooth the girl’s curls.

“An’ Mommy gotted me gloves, an’ some socks with bows on ‘em, an’ some fancy white shoes with heels thiiiiis big.” The little girl held her index finger and thumb an inch apart to demonstrate the height of her grown-up heels. “They’re my first high heels, but they don’t hurt my feet one single bit.”

Diana nodded sagely. “That’s good. Sometimes I wear shoes that hurt my feet, and I shouldn’t do that.” She winked up at the mother.

“Hey, mine name’s Cana. What’s yours?”

“That’s a beautiful name, Cana,” Diana said. “My name’s Diana, but my friends call me Di.”

“Like the princess!” Cana squealed. Her eyes grew wide as saucers. “You’re as pretty as a princess, Miss Di.”

“Why, thank you, Cana. That’s a sweet thing for you to say. I think you’re as pretty as a princess, too.” This time, Diana did pat the silky curls.

“We need to go, sweetheart. Daddy’s waiting for us.” The young mother smiled at Diana. “It was nice meeting you.”

“Nice meeting you, too,” Diana murmured as the mother and daughter walked away, hand in hand.

“Bye!” Cana yelled, a huge grin accentuating her dimples.

Diana’s eyes misted over as she watched the pair make their way to the sales register. Her heart ached with the knowledge that she might never have a daughter for whom she could buy a white dress with purple polka-dots and fancy shoes that didn’t hurt a bit. Sniffing back her tears, she continued making her way through the aisles of children’s clothes.

Unfortunately, the toddler section was a breeze compared to the baby department. Diana hadn’t realized how painful the items in this part of the store would be. She sucked in a ragged breath as her gaze traveled over racks and racks of tiny sleepers, sack gowns, and outfits. No matter where she looked, she was confronted by the sight of slight garments designed to tug on the heartstrings of even the most calloused individuals. Onesies, bibs, itty-bitty shoes… as far as the eye could see. Her psyche already fragile from enduring months of disappointment, it was too much for Diana to bear.

She reached out and pulled a baby bib off of the rack. “I love my Daddy” had been embroidered along the front. That was all it took to break the dam of tears and send them flowing down her cheeks. Stumbling to a deserted corner of the store, she clasped the bib close to her heart and wept.

That was where Mart found her forty minutes later.

She had failed to arrive at their appointed meeting spot, so he’d tried to call her cell phone to see what was wrong. When she hadn’t answered, he’d gone off in search of her, worrying she was in trouble. When he’d finally found her in the secluded corner of the baby department, baby bib clutched to her heart, he realized he was right; she was in trouble, albeit not the kind he’d expected.

His own eyes misting over, Mart knelt down and took the quietly sobbing form into his arms. He cradled her against his heart, fiercely hoping Diana wouldn’t hear the sound of it breaking.

The ride home was quiet. Exhausted from her breakdown, Diana slept the whole way back to Sleepyside. The silence remained even after they arrived at their house. While Mart arranged kindling in the stone fireplace, Diana cuddled against a corner of the loveseat that faced the hearth. Once flames were lapping at the logs, Mart sat down beside his wife and wordlessly gathered her into his arms. She settled against him, relishing how solid and strong he was, especially since she felt so weak.

Although his vocabulary outweighed the average man’s by hundreds of words, for the first time in his life, Mart couldn’t think of a single one that would offer suitable comfort. He was at a loss. In spite of all those ten-dollar words at his disposal, none of them said what he felt in his heart. Therefore, he said only three little words, the only three words that really mattered anyway.

“I love you,” he murmured against her ear.

Unfortunately, that must’ve been the worst thing he could’ve said, since it only caused the tears to start flowing again.

“I’m… I’m… I’m sorry,” Diana sputtered through her sobs.

“Why are you sorry, kitten?”

“Because… Because… Because it’s all my fault!”

“What’s your fault, sweetie?”

“That we can’t have a baby!”

In spite of the serious situation, Mart chuckled. “Last time I checked, it took both of us to make that happen. And according to the doctor, both our equipment is working fine, so I don’t think you’re to blame.”

“B-b-but if you’d married someone else,” Diana managed through her hiccups, “maybe you’d have a baby by now.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Mart rocked her until her crying had stopped. “I’d rather be married to you and never have a child than be married to someone else and have a dozen kids. Without you, nothing else matters.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” he assured her. “Di, as husband and wife, our main goal should be to have a happy marriage. Anything beyond that, including having children, is just the cherry on the top. As content as I am to love you, I could never be satisfied with anyone else.”

“I love you, too,” Diana sniffled. “If I didn’t have you, I don’t know how I’d get through this.”

Mart kissed the top of her head. “That, my love, is something you’ll never have to worry about, because I’ll be with you every step of the way.”

“It just hurts so much!”

“I know, sweetheart,” he murmured.

Diana’s tears almost choked her as she spoke. “How is it possible for me to miss someone so much that I’ve never even met? How can my arms ache so badly to hold someone I’ve never even touched?”

She asked the questions so earnestly that it brought tears to Mart’s eyes. “There aren’t any easy answers, kitten, but hopefully if you have the treatment—”

“No!” Diana thundered. “I don’t want to do it!”

“If you’re worried about the money—”

“It’s not that,” she interrupted. “I can’t take any more disappointment. I just… I just couldn’t handle it if it didn’t work.”

“Then we won’t have it,” Mart soothed.

“But if I don’t have the treatment, I might never get pregnant!”

After five years of marriage, Mart was accustomed to Diana’s occasional bouts of indecision. “Well, then maybe we should call the doctor and get something scheduled.”

“But what if it doesn’t work?” she demanded.

“Well, my love, I have a solution that’s guaranteed to work.”

Diana raised up slightly so she could look her husband in the eye. “What is it?”

“We’re going to just let go, and let God.”

Diana sniffed back her tears. “What do you mean?”

“We’ll pray about it and see what kind of an answer we get.”

“That’s it? Just let go, and let God?”

“That’s right,” Mart said with a nod. “Whether we’re meant to have fertility treatments or whether we’re meant to adopt a child, we’ll put it in His hands.”

Diana was quiet for several seconds before she spoke. “I’m not sure I can do that,” she finally gulped.

“At this point, Di, I don’t know what else we can do.”

“All right,” she agreed with a wavering smile, “I’m letting go.”

Mart kissed the top of her head. “Good, because I am letting go, too.”

For several seconds Diana closed her eyes and imagined that she was in a plane, thousands of miles in the air. The plane represented life as it was, and her worries were the parachute that weighed heavily on her back. The longer she stayed on that plane, the more cumbersome her worries would become. God was like the ripcord on her safety device. She could jump into the unknown and be free from her burdens, or she could remain on the plane, strapped to her cares. For so long she’d been carrying her encumbrances around, thinking she had enough strength of her own to bear them alone. But she was wrong. To be free from the burdens that were causing her pain, she had to leap out of the plane, trust the cord to do its job properly, and step out on nothing but faith.

After what seemed like an eternity, Diana opened her eyes. Her features softened to a peaceful expression and a serene smile tilted the corners of her lips upward. For the first time in months, she felt the solid ground beneath her feet. She didn’t know what the future would bring, but she knew she could handle it.

She had just let go.

Credits:

I fully admit that if I have ever written a Mary Sue story, this is it. Damon and I tried to have a child for over a year, and doctors were worried that my ovaries had been damaged by my pelvis when it was broken after a car accident. Once my OB-GYN affirmed that my ovaries weren’t causing the problem, he was at a total loss why we couldn’t conceive. At the time, we didn’t have two nickels to rub together, so there was no money or insurance to go to a fertilization specialist. Thankfully, after much prayer I became pregnant with our daughter, Rachel, and two years after her birth, our son, Samuel, was born. Years later, a chiropractor discovered that a disc in my lower back had ruptured—the disc that affected fertility. I have no doubt that my two children are a miracle from God.

Thank you to my wonderful editors, Steph H and Ryl. A girl couldn’t have two better cheerleaders.

The info and stats about fertility and in vitro were all accurate. There would’ve been absolutely no way we could’ve afforded the treatments. I’m so thankful our prayers were answered, and my heart breaks for those who have to rely on those methods to conceive.

There is indeed a Paper Moon Milano on 58^th, and they do indeed serve the entrees I mentioned. I hope somebody out there doesn’t know what they are, because I didn’t. J And in case you don’t know what Mart and Diana ate, I’ll tell you. Insalata Tosca is sliced chicken over a bed of greens with a light mustard dressing. Linguine Vongole is linguine with small Manila clams, garlic, and olive oil. Tartufo is chocolate ice cream wrapped in chunks of chocolate.

Bloomingdale’s is indeed located on 59^th Street. They do have currency exchangers, a Visitor’s Center, and personal shoppers. It sounds like a dream world to this shopaholic. They do indeed have a Barbie Shop-in-Shop, and that would’ve been like Heaven to me. BTW, in case you’ve been living under a rock, Barbie is an 11 ½ inch fashion doll created by Ruth Handler and sold by Mattel.

“O Brother, Where Art Thou” was a movie by the Coen brothers and that is loosely based on Homer’s Odyssey. I recommend it highly, and for the record, that line of Delmar’s is one of my favorites.

Hannah Montana, High School Musical, and the Jonas Brothers are all shows/movies of Disney. If you are/know a preteen girl, you probably are familiar with all three.

When I was naming the little ballerina, I decided she would be named after one of the dancers at Jix. I hope you liked your cameo at The Cameo, Cana!

Diana’s breakdown in the baby department of Bloomingdale’s was inspired by my own breakdown in Wal-Mart. I can’t read that scene without crying because of the painful memories that scene brings back to remembrance.

The line about missing someone you’ve never met was taken from the Christian movie, “Facing the Giants”. If you’ve never seen it, I’d recommend it highly. The acting isn’t particularly stellar, but the message is amazing.