Part Three

Author’s note:

Last time we visited this story, we learned that Trixie is determined to forget about Jim. However, several memories refuse to be forgotten. When we caught up with Jim, we discovered that he has not been sleeping at night and is absolutely miserable, but after Trixie refused to return his calls, he feels like there is no hope for them to be together. Will these two fools ever learn? Join us now in the Glimpses into the Future universe for the third installment of “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg.”

Thursday, October 7

“Can you believe that Vanessa wants the bridesmaids’ dresses to be puce? I mean, that is so last season,” Amanda Woodward exclaimed haughtily, with a flip of her shiny, blonde tresses. “I could accept eggplant, and perhaps even mulberry, but I couldn’t bear for my attendants to wear puce.

“I mean really!” She rolled her eyes in exasperation. “Of course, I shouldn’t be surprised. Do you know that Vanessa actually mixes her designers? During a cocktail party last May, she wore a Prada suit with Armani heels. If that wasn’t bad enough, she carried a Gucci handbag. I almost died.

“Not to mention the fact that the suit was black. Not charcoal. Black! A full month after Easter! I’m sorry, but there’s just no excuse for that sort of flagrant disregard for fashion etiquette.”

She paused momentarily in her rampage to take a nibble of her salad. Noticing that she did not have her groom-to-be’s full attention, she placed her salad fork “just so” by her plate and wiped her mouth daintily with the napkin lying on her lap.

“Jimmy, are you listening to me?” she asked in a perfectly modulated voice.

However, Jim Frayne didn’t look up. He stared at his plate, absentmindedly picking at his food.

Amanda breathed an irritated sigh, knowing her fiancé hadn’t heard one single word she’d said. It wouldn’t have been so aggravating, but this had become standard procedure the past two months.

“Jim!” she hissed loudly, banging the table for emphasis.

He jumped in his seat, startled out of his thoughts. “Huh?”

“Did you hear even one word I said, Jimmy dear?” Amanda’s sweet smile failed to hide her annoyance.

“Are you going to get even madder at me if I admit that I didn’t, or should I just lie?” he asked ruefully.

Amanda pursed her lips, and then exhaled deeply. “I’m not angry. I know you have a lot on your mind with the academy, and I’m trying to be patient. However, I would appreciate your attention when I’m discussing our wedding plans.”

Jim looked back down at his plate. “Why do we need to make the arrangements? We haven’t even set a date.” Immediately, he gave himself a swift, mental kick in the pants for bringing up that particular subject.

“Weeell,” she drawled out dramatically, “our lack of a wedding date isn’t my fault. I’ve tried several times to discuss that teensy tiny detail with you, but every time I mention it, you change the subject.”

“I know,” he admitted. A wave of guilt passed over him, as he saw the hurt in Amanda’s eyes. “It’s my fault, and I promise that as soon as I’m more familiar with my duties at the school, we’ll sit down and decide on a date.”

Amanda carefully studied his face, a concerned expression upon her own. “Are you okay, Jim? You just seem so… depressed lately.”

“I’m fine,” he muttered, preoccupied once again with poking the food on his plate.

“You haven’t eaten anything,” she remarked. “In fact, you look like you’ve lost weight.” She placed her hand upon his free one that rested on the table. “I noticed the bags under your eyes, Jimmy. Are you having trouble sleeping? What’s wrong?”

“I’m fine!” Jim snapped, yanking his hand away. He sighed wearily, instantly filled with remorse. He ran his hand through his dark red hair and took a deep cleansing breath. “I’m sorry, Amanda. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I’m just under a lot of stress right now.”

“I understand,” she said, hurt evident in her voice. “You’re busy, so we’ll wait to set the date. However, I do need to begin making the arrangements. It’ll take at least a year to plan the type of society wedding that we’ll be expected to have. I’d like to begin the preparations now so that when we do agree on a day, we won’t have to wait an additional year for the planning stage to be completed.”

Jim nodded, desperately trying to muster some enthusiasm.

“And there are certain details that require special attention, such as the choice of wedding attire,” she continued. “Vera Wang’s a personal friend of Mother’s, and she has graciously agreed to design my gown, as well as the ones for our mothers and my attendants. Vera has requested that I submit my color preferences as soon as possible so that she can begin her work.”

Jim shrugged. “Whatever. Just tell her what you like, and that’ll be fine with me.”

Amanda sighed loudly and rolled her eyes. Her perfect lips formed a pout. “You’re missing the point, Jimmy. This is your wedding also, and I’d like to have input from you. I want this to be a special day that you and I will remember forever. So can’t you at least answer a couple of questions for me? Pretty please?”

Jim resisted the urge to groan, and instead dutifully inquired, “What do you want to know?”

The pout immediately vanished as Amanda pulled a tiny notebook out of her Prada handbag. “I adore the shade of twilight lavender. I think it would be the perfect color for my attendants’ gowns. Or do you prefer royal heather?”

Eeney meeney miney mo, he thought to himself. “Royal heather,” he answered out loud.

With a delighted smile, Amanda made a note by that item on her list. “Now, about our mothers’ dresses… I’d like their gowns to be a shade darker than those of the attendants, to symbolize their advanced wisdom and maturity. I absolutely fell in love with the hue midnight amethyst. Do you think your mother would approve?”

Jim stifled a snort. “I couldn’t say. Maybe you can ask her yourself when she and Dad return from their trip.”

Amanda nodded, and then focused on the next item up for discussion. “Since I want to look absolutely beautiful for you on our wedding day, what style of dress should I wear?” She caressed Jim’s arm lightly with her fingertips, and lovingly looked up at him, her eyelashes batting a mile a minute.

Unbidden memories forced their way into Jim’s mind, as he recalled another wedding many years ago. His heart ached as he thought about the most beautiful girl in the world.

If he closed his eyes, he could still see her coming down the aisle toward him…

“Jim? What should I wear?” Amanda asked hopefully.

Startled from his memories, Jim cleared his throat nervously. “I don’t know. Nothing too fancy. Maybe a simple white dress with a blue satin sash.”

Amanda looked at him with a dumbfounded expression on her face, and then burst out in a gale of honking, screeching laughter. Jim cringed and sank down in his chair, as people from nearby tables turned around in their seats, in search of the goose who had escaped becoming the main course.

“Get serious, Jimmy!” she shrieked. “This isn’t the ‘Sound of Music’, and blue satin sashes are not some of my favorite things.”

“I was serious,” he replied calmly.

Amanda’s eyes widened in horror. “Let’s move on to something else, shall we? How should I wear my hair for you, Jimmy? I know you love my hair.”

Jim knew he wasn’t being fair to his fiancée. He tried to concentrate solely upon her and answer her question, but a vision of sandy curls distracted him.

“Jimmy?” she prompted. “Would it look nice in a chignon or perhaps a French twist?”

“Maybe you could curl it. That would look pretty,” he suggested with a nervous gulp.

Amanda exhaled loudly to emphasize her displeasure. “What do you want the caterers to serve?”

Later that evening…

Jim expertly parked his charcoal gray Suburban into his parking spot at the Manor House. He noticed his sister’s gold BMW parked in the spot reserved for visitors. He got out of his vehicle, and hurried inside the house out of the drizzling rain.

As he stepped into the foyer, Celia Delanoy retrieved his wet dress coat. “It sure is nasty outside,” she commented. She took note of the puddle of water on the once clean ceramic tiled floor, and breathed a prayer of thanks that she’d been promoted to estate manager now that Margery Trask was working at the school.

“Yeah, it’s coming down pretty good,” Jim agreed, taking off his shoes to avoid tracking in even more water. “It’s supposed to get worse. Hey, is Honey here? I thought I saw her car parked outside.”

Celia nodded as she turned to hang up Jim’s coat in the large closet. “She’s in the family room. Her apartment’s being painted. The fumes were bothering her, so she decided to spend the night here.”

“Great. I’ll go talk to her, if she’s not busy.”

“Right now she’s on the phone, but I’m sure she won’t mind if you join her,” Celia replied.

“I won’t bother her if she’s on the phone with Brian. I’ll give them some privacy.”

“Oh, she isn’t talking to Brian,” Celia corrected. “She’s talking to Trixie.”

Jim’s ginger brows slightly rose at this bit of information. “Oh. Well, maybe Honey won’t mind… if I’m really quiet…” He hurried down the hall.

His sock-clad feet enabled him to enter the family room without making a sound. He found Honey curled up on the sectional sofa, holding the cordless phone to her ear. Since her back was to the door, she didn’t hear Jim enter the room.

“So you went out with him again? Wow!”

Jim froze in his tracks. He’d originally planned to let Honey know he’d entered the room. After hearing what she said, he quickly decided to wait and listen for a minute without announcing his presence. He held his breath as the conversation continued.

“Now, how long have you officially been seeing him...? That long already? That’s a record for you... Hmmm… sounds serious… It must be if you’ve advanced to the weeknight date stage… Shall I pick out my maid of honor gown?” Honey giggled at Trixie’s response.

Part of Jim ached to know the answer, but the other part of him decided ignorance was bliss.

“Have you told Mart that your string of one-hit wonders has finally come to an end...? Yeah, I guess so… No, I haven’t mentioned Jack to anybody…”

I sure hadn’t heard about Jack, Jim thought with a troubled sigh. He strained his ears as Honey spoke again.

“Do you plan on keeping him a secret forever...? Yeah, that would be a good idea… I’m sure he’d like to meet your family…”

Jim paled at that comment. Meeting the parents was quite a serious step in any relationship. But surely Trixie wasn’t serious about this guy already?

“They won’t scare him away, sweetie! It sounds like he’s crazy about you… Are you planning on coming home soon...? Oh, Thanksgiving… Ah, so you intend on keeping Mr. Palmer around for a long time.”

Jack Palmer, Jim repeated the entire name to himself. I need to remember that so I can ask Dan to do a background check on him. Maybe he can show this Jack guy those guns he’s been talking so much about…

“Tell me more about him,” Honey urged. “Pleeease...? We never get to talk about boys… Come on! It’ll be like old times… If you don’t, I’m going to tell you how good Brian kisses…*giggle* I thought that would work!... Oh, I don’t know. Tell me what he looks like.” After several minutes, Honey sighed dreamily.

Jim rolled his eyes in disgust. Give me a break!

“Ooohh,” Honey gushed, “he sounds handsome! Does he look like anyone we know?” She jumped up and squealed in delight. “No way!... Are you kidding...? Ewan McGregor!”

Jim scowled. Mr. Perplexing Existence himself, he sulked. He knew he could slip away at any moment and end his torture, but he remained rooted to the spot, prolonging his agony.

“Does work interfere with your relationship...? Oh, that’s good… I’m sure it would make those long hours more interesting,” Honey giggled. “Is he a good detective?”

Jim thought for sure he heard Trixie’s indignant sniff from where he stood.

“Just because he’s gorgeous, sweet, and perfectly perfect doesn’t mean he’s a good investigator,” Honey teased. She waited a moment for Trixie’s response. “Yeah, I remember that special case you told me about… But that’s just one assignment. I want the whole picture… The best detective you’ve ever worked with...? Now, that’s a compliment!... Ralph wants him to take over the business when he retires? Wow! He must be good…”

So he’s a detective, Jim shrugged with feigned indifference. Who cares?

“He turned down a job with the Secret Service? Whoa… He really worked with the CIA? Cool… I’m impressed! He sounds like James Bond.”

Overcome with envy, Jim silently mouthed, James Bond. Whoop-eee! His exaggerated eye-rolling and hand-gesturing did little to improve his spirits.

“Is he arrogant? Some guys like him are such male chauvinist pigs… He’s not? That’s good… Wow! He asked you to do that...? Sounds like he has a lot of confidence in you…”

A pang of guilt filled Jim’s heart as he remembered the many times he doubted Trixie. He’d tried several times to make it clear that he believed in her abilities now, but he wondered, Does she really know how incredible I think she is?

“He sounds soooo wonderful! A definite keeper… Of course, I’m happy for you! Sweetie, after all you’ve been through, you deserve a man like Jack!”

Jim furrowed his brows as he pondered what Honey had said. What’s Trixie been through? If some guy hurt her, I’ll kill him! Surely she isn’t talking about… The agonizing ache returned to his heart. Regret swept over him, as he placed a protective hand over the tiny ring box he always carried in his jacket pocket.

“So, is he a good kisser...? *giggle*… I told you, I want details!... Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me… *giggle* Well, at least he has those strong biceps to catch you when you have woozy knees!”

Jim silently stuck his finger down in his throat in a gagging motion. Oh, puh-lease…

“Have either of you said the ‘L’ word yet?”

Jim’s held his breath as he waited for the reply.

“Not ‘lasagna’, you silly goose! Answer the question… Don’t play coy with me, Miss Belden. You know very well what ‘L’ word I’m referring to… No comment, huh? Well, fine then…No, no… I’m just your best friend in the whole wide world… no need to tell me your deepest secrets.”

Honey began wiggling around in her seat in an attempt to find a more comfortable position. Fearing she might turn around and see him eavesdropping, Jim tiptoed out of the room and stood just outside the doorway. He reentered the room, this time making enough noise to catch Honey’s attention.

She looked up in her brother’s direction, and mouthed hello. “Hang on a minute. I have a visitor.”

“If you’re talking on the phone, I can come back later,” he whispered. “I don’t want to bother you.”

“It’s okay,” Honey told him. “We’re just about finished anyway. I’ll be off in a second.” She returned to her conversation. “I’d better go. The prodigal son has returned home from his date… *giggle* No, I’m not going to ask him if the goose laid a golden egg!... Well, this call is going to cost Daddy a fortune, so I need to say good-bye…*giggle* Yes, I know that Daddy could buy the phone company, but it’s the principle of the matter… E-mail me tomorrow night after you get home… Bye!”

Honey clicked the end button on the phone. “You’re home early from your date. It’s not even 9:00.”

Jim shrugged and took off his suit jacket. After draping it along the back of the recliner across from the sofa, he sat down and faced his sister. “Amanda has an early morning meeting tomorrow, so I took her home right after we finished dinner.” He nervously clasped and unclasped his hands in his lap. “So… did you have a nice talk with Brian?”

Honey looked confused for a moment, and then shook her head. “I wasn’t on the phone with Brian,” she told him.

“Oh, really?” Jim feigned surprise. “Who were you talking to?”

“Trixie,” she answered. “We talk every week. We usually have our conversation on Wednesday night, but she… she wasn’t home last night, so I called her tonight.”

“That’s nice.” Jim paused for a moment, and then asked innocently, “So… where was she last night?”

“Out,” Honey replied nervously. She picked up the remote and began flipping through channels.

“Did she mention me?”

Honey shrugged. “Not really.”

Jim sat quietly for a couple minutes, choosing his next words carefully. “I just happened to overhear you ask Trixie to e-mail you tomorrow night. Anything important going on?”

“No. Nothing of interest to you.”

“I thought for sure I heard you say ‘after you get home.’ Of course, I wasn’t really listening, so I could be mistaken,” Jim commented in what he hoped was a nonchalant tone. “Is she going someplace?”

“Yes,” she answered, trying to concentrate on the Cary Grant movie she had found on the classics channel.

Jim exhaled in disgust. Honey sure isn’t making this easy on me, he thought. Gritting his teeth, he questioned, “Where’s she going?”

“Out.”

His frustrated groan drew Honey’s attention from the big screen TV. “Something wrong?” she inquired innocently.

“Well, you’re not being very specific,” Jim complained.

“Well, you’re not asking specific questions,” she replied cheekily. “Instead of tiptoeing through the tulips, spit it out.”

Jim’s ears burned. He debated feigning disinterest and walking away, but he knew his curiosity would gnaw at him until his questions were answered. He cleared his throat. “Is she going on a date?”

“She who?”

Jim took a deep breath and counted to ten. “Trixie,” he said through gritted teeth. “Is Trixie going on a date?”

Honey suppressed a smile. “Yes, she is. Anything else you’d like to know?”

“Has she gone out with this guy before?”

She glanced at her brother in amusement. He looked positively green with envy. “Yes, she has. Several times, in fact.”

“So… is she serious about him?”

“Why do you want to know?”

Jim’s mouth gaped in surprise. He threw his hands up and sputtered. “I-I… uhhh… I just am—”

Honey leaned forward and rested her crossed arms upon her knees. “Jealous,” she provided for him with a grin.

Jim laughed to dismiss her claim, but his chuckle sounded forced. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not being ridiculous,” she insisted. “You’re jealous.”

“I am not! I only asked because—”

“Because you’re jealous,” Honey interrupted with a satisfied smile. “It’s written all over your face. Trixie has a serious boyfriend, and you’re jealous.”

“No, I’m not!” he argued loudly, his face even redder than his hair.

“Then why do you want to know?”

“Forget it!” Jim barked angrily. “Why should it matter to you anyway?”

Honey stood and stalked over to her brother. Her hazel eyes blazed a brilliant amber color as she glared down at him. “Well, it does matter to me!” she shouted, jabbing her finger against his chest. “I’m your sister and Trixie’s my best friend, and I want to see you happy!”

“I am happy!” Jim bellowed, trying to convince himself as well as Honey. “If I were any happier, I’d throw up from the excitement!” he added, his arms flailing about wildly to emphasize his point.

“It matters to a lot of other people besides me, Jim,” Honey commented, her tone still firm, but gentler. “It matters to you and it matters to Trixie.”

“Trixie’s fine,” he mumbled, his head bowed in defeat.

“And are you fine?” Honey inquired, raising her honey-colored brows skeptically.

“I’m fine,” he growled. “Stinkin’ fine.”

“What about Amanda and Jack?” she asked. Jim raised his head and hesitantly met her glance. “If you love Trixie, it isn’t honorable to marry Amanda.”

As Jim opened his mouth to argue, Honey hushed him with her hand. “And don’t even try to tell me that you don’t love Trixie,” she continued. “I know better than that. And as much as I dislike your fiancée, she doesn’t deserve for her husband to be in love with another woman.

“And Jack sounds like a really nice guy,” she added. “Please don’t wait until they get engaged to tell Trixie how you feel. Tell her now.”

“I tried to tell her!” he yelled. “I’ve called her seven times in California, and she won’t answer the phone or call me back! What am I supposed to do if she won’t talk to me?”

“Have you gone to California and talked to her in person?” Honey questioned.

Jim turned his head and broke off eye contact. “No.”

“Well, why don’t you try it?” she suggested.

“No,” he repeated with a steely glint in his eyes. “I can’t.”

“Why not?” Honey snorted. “It’s easy. Just hop on a plane, drive to her apartment, knock on her door, and start a conversation.”

“I can’t,” he carefully enunciated between clenched teeth.

Totally frustrated with his actions, Honey threw her hands up in exasperation. “What’s the big deal? Just get off your sorry butt and go to her!”

Whatever response Honey expected did not compare to the one she received. Jim’s face paled as a cold sweat broke out across his forehead. His chin trembled, and his bloodshot eyes filled with tears.

“I can’t,” he gasped, frantically clutching his sister’s hands.

Frightened by his utter desperation, Honey knelt down in front of him. “Why can’t you?”

“If she rejected me, I couldn’t handle it,” he cried. “I’d rather die than know she doesn’t love me. I can’t lose anyone else that I love. I just CAN’T…” Rasping sobs shook his strong shoulders.

He collapsed into Honey’s arms, weeping tears that had been bottled up for far too long. She comforted him as best as she could, but knew deep down that her words could offer no balm to his tortured soul.

Several minutes later, he pulled away. Months of suffering had taken their toll. His breaking heart was clearly evident in his broken form. Jim had clearly hit rock bottom.

Honey forced him to look her in the eyes. “You need to tell her, Jim,” she pleaded urgently. “You can’t live like this.”

“I don’t want to live if I can’t be with her,” he lamented. “Life isn’t worth living without Trixie.”

“Then go to her and talk to her.”

“I can’t! She hates me. I don’t think I could handle hearing her say it out loud. I’d rather keep my feelings a secret forever than know there’s never any hope of her loving me in return.” Jim ran a trembling hand through his disheveled hair.

“You don’t know how she feels until you ask her,” she pointed out.

“If I tell her I love her, what will she say?”

Honey knew she had to be honest. “I don’t know,” she replied quietly. “If you’d told her months ago, I’m positive she would’ve been thrilled. And she is kind of mad at you. Well, that’s not true. She’s really mad at you. You hurt her badly when you asked Amanda to marry you. You broke her heart.”

Jim hung his head mournfully. “I never meant to hurt her. I honestly had no idea that she cared about me. If I had known that, I never would’ve proposed to Amanda.”

“You didn’t figure out that Trixie moved because of your engagement?”

“No,” he cried. “I didn’t have a clue until Bobby told me that she was miserable. Finally, the light bulb came on, and it was too late for me to do anything.”

“Maybe not,” Honey said, her previous frustration with him having been replaced by sympathy.

“She loves this Jack guy,” he scowled. “Mr. Ewan McGregor-James Bond-wannabe.”

“We don’t know that for sure,” she admitted.

“I’ve lost her forever,” he whispered. “What am I going to do, Honey? I can’t live without her.”

“It’s not too late. Tell her exactly what you’ve told me,” she advised. “Beg her to forgive you, and prove how much you love her. And take chocolates. Plenty of chocolates. But please don’t give up. She might be angry, but I’ll bet that she still loves you.”

Jim pulled away from his sister and huddled on the couch, tears streaming down his cheeks. “She doesn’t love me. She couldn’t. Nobody loves me. I’m just a worthless piece of trash that nobody could ever care about.”

Honey stared at him in amazement. He suddenly reminded her of a small, frightened child. If he hadn’t sounded so serious, she would’ve laughed. “Jim, that’s ridiculous,” she said, wrapping her arms around him. “Why would you…”

She grew silent as she rubbed her hands across his back. The thick, ugly scars caused by Jonesy’s studded belt were easily felt through the thin fabric of his dress shirt. Tears came to her hazel eyes as she realized those scars passed through his flesh and on into his heart.

“Please go to her, Jim,” she pleaded with a trembling voice. “I know she loved you once. I believe with all my heart that she loves you now, even if she doesn’t admit it.”

“I’m not worthy of her love,” he protested.

Honey lifted his chin so that their eyes met. “Yes, you are. Don’t let that monster win, Jim. Forget all the hateful venom he ever told you. He took away your mother, your pride, your safety, your memories... Don’t let him take away Trixie, too.”

Jim closed his eyes as her words echoed in his mind.

“Take the risk. Sacrifice your pride and talk to her,” Honey begged. “Trixie once thought you were the most wonderful boy in the world. Show her that the man you’ve become is even better.”

“I’d be risking everything!”

“Is she worth it?”

Overcome with emotion, he choked, “Yes.”

“If she says yes, or if she says no, at least you made an effort. If you love Trixie, you’ll be willing to risk your very life to be with her. And if you aren’t willing to take that chance, then Jonesy’s right; you’re not worthy of her love.”

The conversation ceased, the only noise being the rain as it pattered on the roof overhead. Jim took several deep, agitated breaths as he digested Honey’s painfully honest words.

Finally, he pushed her away, jumped up from his chair, and grabbed his suit jacket. Wordlessly, he raced out of the family room, put on his shoes, and opened the front door.

After hearing the slamming of the heavy door, Honey remained in a kneeling position and fervently prayed that her brother would find the peace that he so desperately sought.

The pouring rain made travel difficult. The Suburban’s large wipers could barely clear a path on the windshield before fresh raindrops obstructed his view.

In his haste to reach his destination, Jim had left his overcoat in the closet. Though the trip from the Manor House to his vehicle was brief, it provided plenty of time to get soaked from the downpour. He shivered from the cold, his drenched suit providing no warmth from the chilly weather. Though the Suburban had an excellent heater, in his rattled condition, he didn’t even think about switching it to the “on” position.

He drove for hours until he reached his destination. Pulling into a familiar spot, he parked the Suburban and stepped out into the freezing rain. Ignoring the drops pelting his face, he trudged to the home of the only one who could help him.

Before any salutations could be offered, Jim immediately began his speech. “Don’t say anything until I’m finished. I have to get this off my chest. I need your help. I don’t have anywhere else to turn. I need some advice.

“I’ve made a mess of everything, and I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’m alone. I’m confused. And I’m scared…”

With a trembling hand, Jim wiped away a mixture of cold rain and warm tears from his face. After taking several deep breaths, he continued. “I asked Amanda to marry me. She loves me, and I needed to be loved,” he admitted softly. “I thought if I tried really hard, I could be happy with her, but I can’t. You can’t force yourself to love someone. She’s pushing me to set a wedding date, but I can’t marry her. I don’t love her.

“It wouldn’t be right to marry her when I spend every waking minute of every single day, thinking about someone else.

“I love Trixie,” he said, his voice shaking. “I love her so much it hurts. If I had told her sooner, none of this would’ve happened. But I was afraid. Afraid she’d tell me she didn’t love me. Afraid I’d lose the person I love most.”

The tears began as he continued. “Now she hates me. She thought I didn’t love her, and she left. And I didn’t stop her. I just let her go…”

Jim collapsed to the wet ground, mud soaking into the knees of his pants. His tears became desperate sobs as he continued his story. He wept, knowing the one he talked to couldn’t offer any solace.

“I should’ve stopped her,” he gasped though his cries. “But I didn’t, and now she hates me for it. And I deserve it! Dear God, I deserve for her to hate me and never speak to me again. I hurt her, and I didn’t even know it. The only thing worse than my broken heart is knowing that hers is broken, too. And now she hates me…

“I thought I could be satisfied just clutching her memory in my heart, but I can’t… I can’t…

“I need her… I’d rather be beaten to death by Jonesy, than face another day without her smile. I just can’t survive without my sunshine,” he lamented, his body violently trembling. “The wounds from my broken heart hurt so much worse than the ones from that studded belt…”

“What do I do?” he wailed, clutching the ground under his knees. He raised his head, the stinging pain of the precipitation not dulling his emotional suffering. “What do I do?!” His anguished howl echoed through the foggy night sky.

Jim buried his head in his hands and sobbed. The heaviness in his heart made even breathing difficult. As his lungs heaved and fought for oxygen, a memory, long ago forgotten, came to his mind. He closed his eyes, knowing the answer would be found in that recollection.

Five-year-old Jimmy sat on the stool by the bathroom sink. He watched as his father lathered his face with shaving cream. “Whatcha doin’, Daddy?”

“Shaving,” Win replied with a smile.

“What’s shavin’?”

“Daddy’s taking the prickly whiskers off of his face,” Win patiently explained.

“What’s it feel like, Daddy? Does it hurt?”

After running the razor down a strip of his cheek, Win answered, “It doesn’t hurt, little man. Do you want to try it?”

The young boy nodded his head up and down, his emerald eyes shining. “Can I, Daddy?”

“You can. Bring your stool beside me, Jimmy.” Win watched in amusement as his tiny son dragged the heavy stool in front of the sink. Once satisfied with its position, the little boy climbed on top and stood proudly by his father.

“What do I do now, Daddy?”

Win picked up the can of shaving cream. “Hold out your hand.”

Jimmy obediently did as his father asked and held out his small, freckled hands. His father squirted a small amount of the cold substance into the palm of his hand.

“Now rub it on your cheeks,” Win instructed.

Jimmy hesitantly looked at the shaving cream in his hand. With a nervous giggle, he spread it all over his freckled face.

“Good job!” Win exclaimed with a grin, amused by the shaving cream in his son’s eyebrows. He opened the medicine cabinet and pulled out a razor that was missing its blade. Before handing it to his son, he explained firmly, “Now, this is important, little man. Never do this unless Daddy helps you. If you use the wrong razor, you could hurt yourself.”

“I won’t, Daddy,” Jimmy promised, his green eyes wide. Though Jimmy was only a little boy, he always tried to keep his word. He loved his daddy, and didn’t want to make him mad.

Win handed the razor to his son. “Watch me, son, and I’ll show you what to do.” He slowly ran his razor down his stubbly cheek. Once the razor completed its path, Win dipped it in the sink and gently swished it around in the warm water. “Now you try it, little man.”

Jimmy nearly shook from excitement. He leaned closer to the mirror and nervously ran the razor down his chubby cheek. He gasped in amazement as the lather slid off into the sink below. Imitating what his father had done earlier, he dipped the razor in the water and vigorously swished it around.

He looked up in delight. “Did ya see me, Daddy? I did it!”

“You sure did! Good job, Jimmy boy!” Win returned to his task, and stroke by stroke, the lather disappeared.

Jimmy carefully watched his father and mimicked his every move. “Why do Daddies shave?”

“So their faces will be nice and smooth.”

“Why do Daddies’ faces need to be nice and smooth?” Jimmy asked, his ginger brows drawn in confusion.

“So Mommies will kiss them,” Win answered with a wink.

Jimmy stuck out his tongue and scrunched up his face. “Yech! Kissin’s gross! When I’m a big man, I’m gonna let my whiskers grow reeeeally long so no girl will wanna kiss me.”

Win chuckled. “Someday you won’t think ‘kissin’s gross’, little man. Someday, when you fall in love, you’ll want to kiss a whole bunch.”

“I doubt it,” Jimmy replied earnestly. “The only girl I’m kissin’ is Mommy.”

“Me too!” Win declared solemnly, stifling his urge to laugh.

Jimmy stared silently into the mirror, deep in thought. The little boy suddenly dropped his head, a guilty expression on his face. “Daddy, I did somethin’ real bad.”

Win laid down his razor, and looked down at his boy. “What did you do, son?”

“Mommy told me not to go outside today when it was rainin’,” Jimmy explained as big tears threatened to fall. “But I promised Blackie that I’d bring him an apple after lunch, and I couldn’t break my promise.”

“Did you disobey your mother, Jim?” Win’s voice was stern, but even.

Jimmy nodded sadly. “She got real mad at me, too. I don’t wanna make Mommy mad. I love her bunches and bunches.”

Win smiled and ruffled his son’s red hair. “I know you do, son.”

“Do you ever make Mommy mad?” Jimmy stared up at his father hopefully.

“Occasionally,” his father admitted.

“What do ya do to make Mommy happy again?” Jimmy questioned.

“I sing to her,” Win told him with a grin. “Mommy likes it when I serenade her.”

“What’s ser-uh-nade mean?”

With an impish, lopsided grin, Win picked up his razor and pretended it was a microphone. He held it close to his mouth and sang,

“I know you wanna leave me

But I refuse to let you go

If I have to beg, plead for your sympathy

I don’t mind ‘cause you mean that much to me.

Ain’t too proud to beg, sweet darling

Please don’t leave me girl, don’t you go

Ain’t too proud to ple-ead, baby, baby

Please don’t leave me girl, don’t you go.”

Jimmy giggled as his father finished the song. When the “ser-uh-nade” was over, he inquired, “Does that work, Daddy? Does it make Mommy happy again?”

“It sure does,” Win nodded. “You know Jimmy, sometimes married people get angry with one another. Sometimes they say things they don’t mean, or do something they didn’t mean to do. But that doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. When I tell Mommy I’m sorry, she forgives me, because she loves me just as much as I love her.”

His father resumed his shaving. For several moments, Jimmy quietly watched, but finally he looked at his father and asked, “Daddy, why did ya marry Mommy?”

“Because I loved her with all my heart,” Win answered, smiling as he thought of his beautiful Katje.

“Do ya still love her with all yer heart?”

“I do. I love Mommy even more now than I did when we first got married.”

“When ya asked her to marry ya, did ya know she was gonna say yes?” Jimmy asked inquisitively.

“I didn’t know for sure,” Win replied honestly. “I hoped she would, but I wasn’t positive.

The little boy scratched his chin thoughtfully. “If ya didn’t know she’d say yes, why’d ya ask her?”

“Because I knew I couldn’t live without her,” Win explained, emotion causing his strong voice to tremble. “When you love someone, you’ll do anything to be with them, even beg.”

Jimmy stared in wonder at the tears filling his daddy’s eyes. He reached out a small freckled hand and placed it upon his father’s strong shoulder. “Are ya okay, Daddy?”

Win turned to his son, and placed a loving hand on top of his head. “I’m fine, little man. Sometimes when you love someone like I love Mommy, you cry. Not because you’re sad, but because you love them so much that you can feel it in your heart.”

“If I ever get a Mommy of my own to marry, I’m gonna love her just like you love our Mommy,” Jimmy vowed solemnly.

“If you find someone that you love as much as I love Mommy, hold onto her,” Win advised tenderly. “Do anything you have to do to win her love, even if you have to beg. Any sacrifice you make will be worth it when you hold her in your arms. Remember that, little man. Remember…”

Jim trembled as the memory drew to a close. He opened his eyes. He noticed that the pouring rain had finally slowed down to a gentle patter.

With a new resolve, he stood to his feet. He reverently crept closer to the resting spot of the one whose advice he had sought. He knelt once more and ran a loving hand over the marbled headstone.

“Thanks, Dad,” he whispered. “I knew you could help.”

Jim stood to his feet and attempted to brush the caked mud off of his suit pants. “Sacrifice your pride,” he murmured, recalling Honey’s words. Then he repeated his father’s instruction. “Any sacrifice you make will be worth it when you hold her in your arms.”

He ran to the Suburban, wildly flinging open the driver’s side door. Barely inside, he started the engine and fishtailed out of the muddy cemetery.

A plan formed in his mind as he raced down the highway. Growing more determined with each passing minute, he repeated his mantra: “Sacrifice your pride…”

Credits:

Thank you first of all to my editors, Kaye and Kathy, for all your help and encouragement. I ALWAYS thank them first, ‘cause I ‘dore ‘em so much! They were a huge help with this story. Thank you both for your color suggestions, as well as the “annoying rules of fashion” discussion we had. I used somebody’s “no black after Easter gripe.” J I love you both! I thank the Lord every day for such grand friends!

Prada, Armani, and Gucci make very nice clothes that I can’t afford, but wish I could. And hey, if Vanessa wants to mix her designers, that’s fine with me.

Vera Wang is a famous designer and she does a lot of wedding gowns for famous people. So don’t sue me, Vera. This is good advertising. Jennifer Lopez may hire you to design that fourth wedding gown when the time comes… *duck*

I have no idea if the “shade darker” would actually “symbolize their advanced wisdom and maturity”, but I thought that sounded like a load of crap that would be done at a hoity-toity wedding. *G*

The wedding gown like the one Jim wanted Amanda to wear is based on the dress that Trixie wears in Juliana’s wedding in “Uninvited Guest”. Like you all didn’t know that! *snort*

And of course, Amanda’s comment was based upon the song, “My Favorite Things” in “Sound of Music,” which is a wonderful movie.

Jim has a Suburban in this story. Why did he have a Suburban, you ask? Well, he has a charcoal gray Suburban in honor of the one my husband had. Ah, the memories. Damon loved Samson (that was the Suburban’s name BTW, and yes, you can roll your eyes if you’d like). However, I did not love Samson. Out of my great love for my dh, I merely tolerated Samson. When you are five foot four and can barely see over the top of the steering wheel, driving a vehicle the size of a small bus is not fun. And don’t even ask me about parking it! *groan* After the gas prices went up, he was shelling out $90 at the gas station. That got old really fast. It was a happy day (at least for me!) when we traded in Samson for our Nissan Pathfinder. Alas, the memory of Samson lives on in my dh’s heart. A single tear comes to his eye when we meet a Suburban on the road. Therefore, this Suburban’s for you, baby!

The comment about Dan and his guns comes from the previous chapter. If you haven’t read it, why are you reading this? You’ll miss all the inside jokes!

Ewan McGregor is a carry-over joke from my Here and Now universe, which is set ten years earlier. In that uni, he’s Trixie’s favorite actor, and Jim is jealous of him. The “Perplexing Existence” comment is from that uni also, and that is the movie that Ewan McGregor stars in that Trixie, Honey, and Di love so much. Ewan is real, but that movie is MINE! And I’m still waiting for Peter Jackson to ask for the rights to it. Man, if he thought LOTR was a hit, just wait till he sees THIS script! *snort*

James Bond is a character featured in famous spy movies. Would you all think less of me if I admitted that I have never seen a James Bond movie?

The prodigal son is a reference to the story in the Bible that Jesus tells. You can find it in Luke 15.

And the “goose that laid the golden egg” is a famous fairy tale type story. Of course, the goose Trixie was referring to in this story was Jim’s fiancée, Amanda, who laughs like a goose.

Cary Grant is an actor from several years ago.*sigh* They don’t make ‘em like Cary anymore. My favorite is one of his lesser known movies, “Once Upon a Honeymoon” with the beauteous Ginger Rogers. If you haven’t had the privilege to see a Cary Grant movie, go rent one NOW! Why are you still here? Don’t you realize what you’re missing?!

The “plenty of chocolates” advice that Honey gives Jim refers to the line Trixie says in “Why Do Fools Fall in Love?” One of my editors who shall remain nameless, *cough*Kaye*cough*, was being mischievous and pointed that out. It has been added just for her. Smoochie, smoochie, Kaye! J

Jim’s abuse was not a fun thing to write about, but I felt it was important to bring up in this story. I hope everyone can understand “my Jim” a bit better after reading this part.

The shaving scene was inspired by watching my husband teach my son to “shave” when Sam was only five. It was a moment that really created a lasting memory for me. As a mommy, it absolutely makes my heart swell with joy, pride, and love to see the two “boys” I love most spending time together. There is nothing sweeter than watching children imitate what their parents do. And they will truly follow in our footsteps, so we should always be careful what kind of tracks we leave for them to follow.

“Little man” is Damon’s pet name for our son, Samuel. Sam’s face beams when his daddy calls him that, and I’m sure that Jimmy’s face shone when his daddy called him that.

The shaving scene brought me so much joy as I was writing it. I love focusing on Jim’s happy past. I adore Win Frayne, and I enjoy bringing him back from the dead, even if it’s only in flashback sequences. When I think of his and Jim’s relationship, my heart breaks, just thinking about all that Jim lost.

Blackie is the horse that Jim learned to ride as a little boy. That horse was mentioned in “The Secret of the Mansion” but wasn’t given a name. I named him Blackie in my Jonesy story. Well, actually Jim named him in my Jonesy story…

“Ain’t Too Proud to Beg” is a song written by Holland/Whitfield. It has been recorded by several artists, but the one I had in my head is the Rick Astley version. But more about that later…

Not only do I enjoy writing about Win, I also adore writing about his relationship with Katje. I picture them having a wonderful marriage, full of love and laughter. And someday, I’m determined to expand on the flashback scene of their meeting as told in “Keeping Up With the Joneses” and do an entire story about it.