|
|
Bloopers from “The Gumshoes”
Scene 4, Take 1
|
|
|
(Jim is laying on the couch
in his study milking his illness for all it’s worth. He has asked Trixie to
kiss his cheeks, forehead, chin, and nose and she has complied. Now he’s
asking her to kiss his lips.)
|
|
Jim:
|
And here. (points to his lips
with a lopsided grin)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Mmm! My pleasure! *bends to
kiss him on mouth*
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Trixie! Didn’t you read
the script? You aren’t supposed to kiss him yet.
|
|
Trixie:
|
*sigh* But he’s just so cute…
|
|
April:
|
You can kiss him later. Right
now, follow the script. Scene 4, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
And here. (points to his lips
with a lopsided grin)
|
|
Trixie:
|
*giggle* OK! *leans in for
kiss*
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Trixie, we just went
over this! Your line is, “No way! And get your germs? Ick! No can do!” Got
it?
|
|
Trixie:
|
I got it. I’ll get it right
this time. I promise to retrain myself.
|
|
April:
|
OK. Scene 4, Take 3! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
And here. (points to lips
with a lopsided grin)
|
|
Trixie:
|
No way! And get your germs?
Ick! No can do!
|
|
Jim:
|
(pouting) If you love me,
you’ll do it.
|
|
Trixie:
|
*throwing arms around him* Oh,
Jim! I do love you! *lowers face to his for kiss*
|
|
April:
|
*hopping up and down in
frustration* CUT!!! That’s not in the script, Trixie! How many times do I
need to tell you to STICK TO THE SCRIPT!!!
|
|
Trixie:
|
I can’t help it. After all
these years of fond glances, I can’t say no to a kiss.
|
|
Jim:
|
Kiss me now, Shamus! Like
you’ve never kissed me before!
|
|
Trixie:
|
Oh, Jim! *happily complies
and begins kissing Jim*
|
|
April:
|
*rolling her eyes* Oh, brother…
Time to get the water hose…
Scene 6, Take 1
(Driven to distraction by
Jim’s treasure trail, Trixie pulls blanket up under Jim’s chin)
|
|
Trixie:
|
*cough* You’re going to get
chilled, sweetie. You need to keep warm.
|
|
Jim:
|
I am warm. *kicking away
covers* In fact, I’m too warm.
I’m hot!
(Jim wiggles around to get
more comfortable, in effect lowering the waistband of his shorts. He props
up one leg, allowing a better view of his muscled thigh.)
|
|
Birds outside studio:
|
*chirp* *chirp* *chirp*
*chirp*
|
|
Assistant
Director:
|
*clearing throat* Uhhh,
April? Trixie hasn’t said her line yet. Aren’t you going to yell cut so we
can start over?
|
|
Birds outside studio:
|
*chirp* *chirp* *chirp*
*chirp*
|
|
Assistant
Director:
|
*coughing loudly* Excuse me,
April? April? Are you listening? Trixie missed her line. You need to yell,
“Cut!” Somebody call the medic! She’s unresponsive and drooling!
|
|
April:
|
Shhh! I’m fine! Don’t
distract me. I’m capturing brilliant footage here.
Scene 12, Take 1
(Jim and Brian are in Detective
Jack Palmer’s office discussing the details of the case.)
|
|
Jack:
|
This is a picture of a
valuable painting owned by Mr. Hughes. It’s called Delinquent Mean—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! That’s Delirious Meanderings,
Jack. Let’s try it again. Scene 12, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Jack:
|
This is a picture of a
valuable painting owned by Mr. Hughes. It’s called Delirious Meanderings,
and it’s the work of a fairly obscure artist named Pierre La Cracky.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! The artist’s name is
Pierre La Quapé, Jack. *sigh* Let’s try it again. Scene 12, Take 3! Action!
|
|
Jack:
|
This is a picture of a
valuable painting owned by Mr. Hughes. It’s called Delirious Meanderings,
and it’s the work of a fairly obscure artist named Pierre La Quacky.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! *giggle* The name is La
Quapé. Luhhh Quă pay.
|
|
Jack:
|
*snort* What kind of a name
is that? Can’t his last name just be Smith or something?
|
|
April:
|
*sigh* No, it can’t. There’s a
payoff joke later in the story. It has to be La Quapé. Now let’s shoot it
again. Scene 12, Take 4! Action!
|
|
Jack:
|
This is a picture of a
valuable painting owned by Mr. Hughes. It’s called Delirious Meanderings,
and it’s the work of a fairly obscure artist named Pierre La… Oh, crap!
What was that name again?
|
|
April:
|
*groan* Jack, you do realize
that if you weren’t so cute, you’d be out of a job by now? Now flex those
muscles and remind me why I hired you.
Scene 14, Take 1
|
|
Brian:
|
Are you talking about Cobbett’s
Island? *snort* Where you wore Mart’s jeans and Trixie wore your blue sw—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Brian, follow the
script, dear. It clearly says GREEN sweater.
|
|
Brian:
|
*shaking head* No, I think it
was blue.
|
|
April:
|
It was green, Brian.
|
|
Brian:
|
Well, I don’t mean to be
contrary, but I was there and you weren’t. So I think I’d know better than
you what color the sweater was.
|
|
April:
|
*voice growing louder* Well,
I’m the boss, and I say it was green, so… It was GREEN!
|
|
Brian:
|
How do you know? Kathryn Kenny
didn’t tell mention it in the book.
|
|
April:
|
Well, Cathy DID mention it,
and if Cathy wrote it, it’s as good as canon, so there!
|
|
Brian:
|
I don’t care. I was there,
and it was blue. Royal blue to be specific.
|
|
April:
|
Well, let’s just ask Jim and see.
If anyone knows what color Jim’s sweater was, it would be Jim.
|
|
Brian:
|
Fine with me. So, Jim, what
color was the sweater that you loaned to Trixie at Cobbett’s Island?
|
|
Jim:
|
*grinning in a lopsided
manner* Green.
|
|
April:
|
*sticking out tongue at
Brian* Told ya so!
|
|
Brian:
|
Ah, he’s just saying that. We
all know how Cathy’s his favorite.
Scene 16, Take 1
(Jim and Brian are in the
Mercedes. Jim has just defied the laws of physics by making a sharp
left-hand turn, weaving through heavy traffic, making a sharp right-hand
turn, and whipping sideways into an empty parking space. Brian is sitting
in the passenger’s seat, mouth agape, eyes wide, and hand braced against
the glove compartment.)
|
|
Brian:
|
I… can’t… believe… *gasp*… you… did… that…I saw… my
whole life… *gasp* … passing
before my… eyes, and it was… really *gasp*
really…
exciting, daring, and spontaneous.
|
|
April:
|
*rolling on the floor laughing*
Cut! Who let my husband mess with the script? Let’s try it again, and Buck,
will you make sure Damon W stays out of my office.
Scene 17, Take 1
(Jim has entered the Quick
Pick convenience store and is asking the clerk for directions.)
|
|
Clerk:
|
Perhaps you would be liking some
Tic Tacs? They are cool and refreshing, and only two calories per serving.
|
|
Jim:
|
I don’t want Tic Tacs. *sigh*
I just need some dir—
|
|
Clerk:
|
How about some leather cow
strips? *helpfully holding out a stick of beef jerky* Everyone in America
is liking leather cow. I do not eat them my—
(Jim bursts out laughing and
interrupts scene)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Let’s try and stay
serious, Jim. How about we try this again? Scene 17, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Clerk:
|
Perhaps you would be liking
some Tic Tacs? They are cool and refr—
(Jim bursts out laughing
again, this time doubling over.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Is something wrong, Jim?
|
|
Jim:
|
S-s-sorry, but this guy is
j-just so f-f-funny! I’ll get it this time.
|
|
April:
|
Let’s try it again. Scene 17,
Take 3! Action!
|
|
Clerk:
|
Perhaps you would be liking some
Tic Tacs? They are cool and refreshing, and only two calories per serving.
|
|
Jim:
|
*wiping face to try and stay
serious* I don’t want Tic Tacs. *sigh* I just need some dir—
|
|
Clerk:
|
How about some leather cow strips?
*helpfully holding out a stick of beef jerky* Everyone in America is liking
leather cow. I do not eat them myself, of course, but I have heard that
they are very good, ve—
(Jim doubles over laughing,
tears running down his cheeks)
|
|
Clerk:
|
*glaring at Jim* What is
being so funny? I am saying my lines correctly. There is nothing being
funny about offering you some beef jerky! You are a rude man! A very rude
man! Get out of my Quick Pick! *begins whacking Jim with the stick of beef
jerky*
|
|
April:
|
CUT!!! Don’t hit people with the props, Ahmed. We’re
working with a very limited budget.
|
|
Clerk:
|
*smiling solicitously* Can I
be having my Oscar now?
Scene 19, Take 1
(Jim and Brian are talking to
Eighties-Girl, AKA Starla Gaucherié)
|
|
Jim:
|
*offers his hand for her to
shake* I’m Jim. Jim Fra—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! You’re supposed to tell
her your name is Brock Ridgetop, Jim. Take it from the top. Scene 19, Take
2! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
*offers his hand for her to
shake* I’m James. James Winthrop Frayne th---
|
|
April:
|
CUT! *rolling eyes* Jim, you’re
not supposed to give her your real name. Stick to the script. Tell her your
name is Brock Ridgetop. Let’s do it again. Scene 19, Take 3! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
*offers his hand for her to
shake* I’m Brent. Bre---
|
|
April:
|
*wearily rubbing temples*
Cut! Your name’s Brock Ridgetop, not Brent.
|
|
Jim:
|
*raises ginger brows
incredulously* Brock? What kind of name is that? It sounds like something
off of a soap opera.
|
|
April:
|
It’s supposed to! Now hush up
and say your lines! Correctly! Scene 19, Take 4! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
*offers his hand for her to
shake* I’m B… Bl… Be… What do I tell her again?
|
|
April:
|
BROCK RIDGETOP!!! GET IT RIGHT!!!
*counting to ten* OK… Let’s get it right this time, people. Scene 19, Take
5! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
*offers his hand for her to
shake* I’m Brock. Brock Ridgetop, Assistant Vi—
|
|
Starla:
|
*holds up hands* Whoa! Like, his
name really isn’t Brock? I am like… sooo
bummed out. You lied to me, Brock or Jim or whatever your name is.
|
|
April:
|
*breaking clapboard* It’s a
wrap…
Scene 23, Take 1
(Jim and Brian are talking with
two hookers, Mona and Peaches, encouraging them to live life the Bob-White
way…)
|
|
Peaches:
|
We’d better go home. Thanks
for all your help.
|
|
Brian:
|
No problem. *humble smile on
face*
|
|
Peaches:
|
I just don’t know how to thank
you! (throws arms around Brian in a tearful embrace)
|
|
Brian:
|
*jumps stiff legged* WHOO! *clutching buttocks* Peaches just cupped my cheek!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Peaches, what did I tell
you about groping the actors?
Scene 26, Take 1
(Jim and Brian are alone in a
deserted alleyway
|
|
Brian:
|
*pushing away stray garbage
and looking at ground below* Am I really supposed to sit here? It doesn’t
look very sanitary…
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Brian, quit being so anal.
We’re almost finished.
|
|
Brian:
|
What if I sit on a rusty can
or something?
|
|
April:
|
*clenching teeth* Then we’ll
get you a tetanus shot. OK? Scene 26, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Brian:
|
*pushing away stray garbage and
hesitantly crouching* So, what is
th---
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Brian, you need to stay
in character. I can tell you’re worried about sitting on the ground. Just
casually plop down… all the way
down.
|
|
Brian:
|
*nodding but still looking
wary* I’ll try.
|
|
April:
|
Okay, let’s take it from the
top. Scene 26, Take 3! Action!
|
|
Brian:
|
*pushing away stray garbage
and sitting down on concrete* So,
what is this dude’s… er… chick’s
name again that we’re looking for? I’m so tired that I’m having difficulty
remembering.
|
|
Jim:
|
*sinks down on concrete
beside him* Shannigma Mirage. Ho---
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Jim, sweetie, the name
is Shannequa Montage! Please remember that! Let’s try it again. Scene 18,
Take 4. Action!
|
|
Brian:
|
*pushing away even more stray
garbage and sitting down* So, what is this du--- *jumping up in disgust* Nasty! Somebody stuck a wad of gum here!
Oh, man! I sat right in it! Is it on my pants?
|
|
Jim:
|
*chuckling* Right in the middle of the left cheek.
We’re supposed to be gumshoes, not gum-butts.
|
|
Brian:
|
*groaning and twisting around
trying to get off the gum* I can’t
reach it. Get it off, Jim.
|
|
Jim:
|
*shaking head* You’re delusional if you think I’m touching
your butt, buddy. Get Shanaynay Mulan to do it for you.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Wardrobe, get up here
immediately and bring Brian a new pair of pants! Set Design, bring us some
non-gum infested garbage! Brian, watch where you sit! Jim, that name is Shannequa Montage! *collapses in director’s chair and runs
hands through curls* And somebody
bring me some Advil and a Diet Pepsi! In a Styrofoam cup! With lots of ice
and a purple straw!
(Much later…)
Well, now that Brian is gum-free,
let’s try it again. Scene 26, Take 5! Action!
|
|
Brian:
|
*pushing away stray
non-gum-infested garbage and sitting down*
So, what is this dude’s…
er… chick’s name again that we’re looking for? I’m so tired that I’m having
difficulty remembering.
|
|
Jim:
|
*wearily sinking down beside
Brian* Shannequa Montage. How on
earth could you forget that moniker?
|
|
Brian:
|
Well, how are we supposed to
find him… er…her…uhhh… it now?
(Suddenly, a small person
pops out of the trash can, garbage flying everywhere, much to Brian’s
consternation.)
|
|
Munchkin #1:
|
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
(Another small person sticks
head out of the window of a tattoo shop.)
|
|
Munchkin #2:
|
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
(Yet another small person swings
down from the fire escape above Jim and Brian and dangles in front of
them.)
|
|
Munchkin #3:
|
Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
(Suddenly, hundreds of small
people jump out from their hiding spots and begin dancing and singing.)
|
|
Munchkin extras:
|
Follow, follow, follow,
follow the Yellow Brick Road!
|
|
April:
|
CUT!!! Why are all these
vertically-challenged people here?
|
|
Munchkin #1:
|
*tugging on April’s shirt
sleeve* We’re not vertically-challenged.
We’re munchkins.
|
|
April:
|
Not in this theatre, you
aren’t! I’ve read the memos from the U.S. Picture Association, and I know
all about the discrimination suits that have been filed recently. If you
think I’m gonna call you the ‘M’ word and get handed some stiff fine from
the Screen Actor’s Guild, then you’re crazy! Now get your butts out of my
universe and back to Oz where you belong.
Scene 30, Take 1
(Jim has been arrested for solicitation
of a prostitute by Undercover Detective Christina Redding. Brian comes over
to assist.)
|
|
Brian:
|
There’s been a mistake,
ma’am.
|
|
Detective Redding:
|
The only mistake is that I’m not
allowed to club him without being provoked. You’re friend will be at the
police station if you want to bail him out later.
|
|
Brian:
|
I know you’re just trying to
do your job, ma’am, but he didn’t mean to solicit you. See, we’re looking
for a male prostitute, and Jim
thought you were a man dressed up as a woman…
|
|
Jim:
|
*in a sing-song voice* You’re
not helping, Brian…
|
|
Detective Redding:
|
(Still keeping one firm hand
on Jim, Det. Redding leans closer to Brian in menacing fashion.)
He thought I was a man?
(Detective Redding shakes
head slightly, and suddenly the black, frizzy wig flies off, revealing a
man with short dreadlocks.)
*Brian, Jim, and April gasp
loudly*
|
|
Detective Redding:
|
*in deep voice* Great. Now I gotta spend another hour in
makeup, getting that blasted wig on.
(trudges off-set in a very man-like fashion)
|
|
Jim:
|
That was disturbing on so
many levels.
|
|
April:
|
If you think that’s
disturbing, how do you think Jack feels? Who wants to tell him that he’s
got a date with a man?
Scene 31, Take 1
(Jim and Brian are in a
holding cell of the regional jail)
|
|
Brian:
|
Let me get this straight; you
want all the credit for this?
|
|
Jim:
|
(pulls out his harmonica and
plays a short blues intro)
*sings in deep voice* Oh,
we’re lookin’ for Shannequa…
(plays another diddy on
harmonica)
*sings in deep voice*
Shannequa Montage…
|
|
April:
|
Cut! You know, Jim, prison may not be the wisest place to whip
out your harmonica…
Scene 32, Take 1
|
|
Brian:
|
We’re going to call Jack and
have him bail us out ASAP.
|
|
Jim:
|
*eyes pleading
desperately* Do we have to call Jack? *digs through pockets* Hey, maybe I have Punky Brewster’s
number! What was her real name again… Starla Gaucherié?
|
|
April:
|
*sighing loudly* Cut!
|
|
Jim:
|
What did I do wrong? I know I
said her name right…
|
|
April:
|
*holding up script in Jim’s
face* Yes, but this time, you
were supposed to get it
wrong! *sighs wearily* It’s tough making slapstick comedy with
someone who does everything so well.
Scene 33, Take 1
(Brian is playing up to
Shannequa Montage, trying to get information.)
|
|
Brian:
|
I’ve heard you’re a good
singer. *smiling in a dashing manner*
|
|
Shannequa:
|
Thank you, sweetie! (beams with pleasure, then winks, and
finally blows Brian a kiss) Are you
one of my fans, Reese Cup? *places
hand on Brian’s knee*
|
|
Brian:
|
*turns to April, his face
ashen* I can’t do this.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Please, Brian? It’s only
a little bit, I promise. Then you’ll get to be the big hero. Please?
|
|
Brian:
|
*gritting teeth* Okay…
|
|
April:
|
Thank you so much, Brian! Scene
33, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Brian:
|
I’ve heard you’re a good
singer. *smiling in a dashing manner*
|
|
Shannequa:
|
Thank you, sweetie! (beams with pleasure, then winks, and
finally blows Brian a kiss) Are you
one of my fans, Reese Cup? *places
hand on Brian’s knee and slowly begins moving it upward*
|
|
Brian:
|
*leaping out of his seat,
away from Shannequa* I quit! I’ll
pretend to be some psychotic whack-job, I’ll let Bobby shank me, and I’ll even
sit in gum. But getting hit on by a drag queen? *shakes head and crosses arms
stubbornly* A man’s gotta draw the
line somewhere.
Scene 34, Take 1
(Jim is on one end of the
holding cell. Brian and Shannequa are across the room, discussing sex
change operations.)
|
|
Brian:
|
I know a little. But it’s
more complicated than people think. You’d have to go to a specialist, if
you want to have that done.
|
|
Shannequa:
|
Think you could hook me up
with the right kinda doctor?
*Camera pans to Jim praying
for deliverance on other side of cell*
(Several minutes pass)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Does anyone know where
Jack is? He’s supposed to be in this scene?
(Brian and Jim shrug)
|
|
April:
|
*to Assistant Director* Call Jack’s
trailer and see where he’s at. Tell him he’s need on-set NOW! We’ve got a
scene to shoot.
(Several minutes later)
|
|
Assistant Director:
|
*gasping for breath* I called
his trailer, and his personal assistant answered.
|
|
April:
|
Well, where’s Jack?
|
|
Assistant Director:
|
*shrugs* His assistant said he’d run off with some
hot Jix author named Trish.
|
|
April:
|
*muttering under breath* Cocky redhead… If he doesn’t get his butt back on-set in
the next hour, I’m calling Susan and asking if Riordan Grant to fill in…
Bloopers from “The Tie That
Binds”
Scene 2, Take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
Puppets? That sounds like a
really neat idea, Di. But how would we make them?
|
|
Trixie:
|
(laughing) I have some socks I’d
be willing to donate to the cause. (holds up foot, revealing a large hole
in the toe of her sock)
|
|
Diana:
|
I had a different kind of…
(throws up hands in exasperation) I’m sorry, but I just can’t work under these
circumstances! I’m a serious actress, and you can’t expect me to correctly
hone my craft while being subjected to these vile surroundings!
|
|
AprilW:
|
Cut! (slaps clapboard closed,
and then turns to Diana) What’s wrong, Di?
|
|
Diana:
|
(points to Trixie’s raised foot)
I just can’t concentrate with this…
stench!!!
|
|
Trixie:
|
Hey! My feet don’t stink!
(bends foot towards face and takes lengthy whiff; immediately her indignant
expression becomes one of repulsion) Okay, so maybe they do…
|
|
AprilW:
|
Wardrobe! We need another
pair of socks with a hole in the toe! This time, make it a clean pair…
Scene 4, Take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
Excellent! Trixie, does your
mother have any spare material?
|
|
Trixie:
|
(shrugging) I’m sure she does.
She’s been doing a lot of quilting lately, since Bobby’s in school and she
doesn’t have any canning to do.
|
|
Honey:
|
Do you think we could go over
to Crabapple Farm later and see what she has? If she doesn’t mind sharing her
crap… (begins giggling madly, and is quickly joined by the rest of the cast
and crew) Well, actually I wouldn’t want her to share that…
|
|
AprilW:
|
Cut! (giggling as well)
That’s okay, Honey. We’ll just take it from the top. Scene 4, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Honey:
|
Excellent! Trixie, does your
mother have any spare material?
|
|
Trixie:
|
(shrugging) I’m sure she
does. She’s been doing a lot of quilting lately, since Bobby’s in school
and she doesn’t have any canning to do.
|
|
Honey:
|
Do you think we could go over
to Crapabble… (clutches honey-colored hair and mutters a few un-Honeylike
expressions)
|
|
AprilW:
|
Cut! Let’s take a break, people.
I need to find some soap so I can wash Honey’s mouth out with it.
Scene 7, Take 1
(Trixie, in search of paper,
walks across the hall to Jim’s room and raps on his door.)
|
|
Jim:
|
(from behind the door) Who is
it?
|
|
Trixie:
|
(clears throat nervously)
Trixie.
|
|
Jim:
|
Come in.
(Trixie opens the door to
reveal a slightly older-looking Jim, clad in a silvery-gray pinstripe suit.
Because of the aging process, Jim is even more buff and rugged-looking than
he was during his teenage years.)
|
|
Trixie:
|
(openly gaping) Who are you?
|
|
Jim:
|
(looks up in surprise) I’m Future
Jim. Someone sent me a memo that I was needed on set.
|
|
AprilW:
|
Cut! (groans
impatiently) Sorry, Future Jim. That
memo was supposed to go out to Present Jim. The secretarial staff must’ve
sent you that notice by mistake.
|
|
Trixie:
|
(sneaks in a few hundred
admiring glances at Future Jim’s broad shoulders) Darn! Why couldn’t I look
older? Nothing good ever happens in this stupid “Here and Now” universe…
Scene 10, Take 1
(In Jim’s bedroom)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Do you mind if I look at it?
|
|
Jim:
|
Not at all.
|
|
Trixie:
|
(gingerly picks up picture of
Win and Katie Frayne) Your mother’s so beautiful, Jim.
(Camera slowly pans to the
photograph Trixie is holding in her hands.)
|
|
AprilW:
|
Cut! (angrily stomps over to
Trixie and whisks frame out of her hand) Who switched the picture of Jim’s
parents with this cartoon of a naked Albert Einstein? Martin Andrew
Belden?! Are you here?! This has your name written all over it!
Scene 12, Take 1
(Scene opens in Honey’s BMW
sedan, with Honey in driver’s seat and Trixie in passenger seat. Trixie is
busy opening and shutting the glove box repeatedly.)
|
|
Honey:
|
(slapping Trixie’s wrist)
Stop that!
|
|
Trixie:
|
I ca—
|
|
AprilW:
|
Cut! (stares hard at Trixie)
What’s Present Trixie doing in this future scene?
|
|
Present Trixie:
|
(gulps) The secretary must’ve
made another mistake. You believe that, don’t you?(anxiously looks around
the set) Hey, where’s Future Jim? Doesn’t this story have a steamy make-out
scene?
|
|
AprilW:
|
(groans loudly) Somebody go find
Future Trixie! And somebody else get this hormonal teenager outta here!
|
|
Present Trixie:
|
Wait! Can’t you just let me
have one kiss? I’ve been getting fond glances for almost
fifty years now, and it’s getting kind of old!
Scene 15, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
(glances at radio controls on
Honey’s steering wheel) Or maybe
someone switched the station by hitting one of the fancy-schmancy buttons
on her cockpit over there.
|
|
Honey:
|
(grins) Maybe. How about we
compromise and just turn it off?
|
|
Trixie:
|
(shrugs) Works for me.
|
|
Honey:
|
Since you’re so bored, why
don’t you do the honors?
|
|
Trixie:
|
(Reaches over to the radio of
the luxury sedan, and grasps knob controlling power. Power knob comes right
off.) Umm… Does anyone have some superglue?
Scene 16, Take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
Ah, ah, ah! (snaps fingers at
Trixie) If you push one more button, I’m going to pop the trunk and stick
you inside.
|
|
Trixie:
|
(slinks down in leather seat of
BMW, and gives Honey a mock salute) Yes, ma’am. (pauses, then timidly
raises hand) Miss Wheeler, may I ask a question?
|
|
Honey:
|
(stifling smile) Yes, you
may, Miss Belden.
|
|
Trixie:
|
If we’re going to Schenectady,
why are there palm trees outside my window?
|
|
AprilW:
|
(hastily examines screens
around the car which provides scenery and makes driving look
realistic) Cut! And somebody tell the
crew to replace the scenery! Honey and Trixie aren’t driving to Hawaii!
Scene 21, Take 1
(In Grandpa’s Attic, the antique store)
|
|
Shopkeeper:
|
(grinning) Lucy Radcliffe, by
Marvin Appleton? We get a few of those from time to time. They’re snapped
up pretty quick, especially those last five or six.
|
|
Trixie:
|
Do you have any now?
|
|
Shopkeeper:
|
(scratches head thoughtfully)
I could be wrong, which I usually am according to my wife, but I think
there may be a Lucy or two over there in that bookshelf beside the glass
display cases where the valuables are kept.
|
|
Trixie:
|
Thanks! (Hastily turns and
runs into tall hat stand, which crashes onto a table, breaking several antique
lamps) Oops. I think I was supposed to catch that before it fell.
|
|
AprilW:
|
(clears throat) Yes, Trixie,
I think you were. I need one of the crew members to go to the nearest
antique store and buy ten new lamps. And take it out of Trixie’s salary!
Scene 24, Take 1
(Trixie is checking out at the cash register)
|
|
Trixie:
|
(turns to Honey with a
gleeful grin) Lucy book… $20. Wedding bands… $1,000. Returning Win and
Katie’s rings to the most wonderful boy in the world… Peachy.
|
|
AprilW:
|
Cut! Trixie, that line is,
“Returning Win and Katie’s rings to the most wonderful boy in the world… Priceless”.
|
|
Trixie:
|
Oh, okay. I’ll get it right
this time.
|
|
AprilW:
|
No problem. Scene 24, Take 2!
Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
(turns to Honey with a
gleeful grin) Lucy book… $20. Wedding bands… $1,000. Returning Win and
Katie’s rings to the most wonderful boy in the world… Perfect.
|
|
AprilW:
|
Cut! (shakes head in
disbelief) Trixie, you did it again. The clincher for that line is
“Priceless”, not “Perfect”. You’ve got
to get it right.
|
|
Trixie:
|
(rolls eyes in exasperation)
Peachy, perfect, priceless… What’s the difference?
|
|
AprilW:
|
The difference is quoting a
commercial that has become a household term and mangling it beyond recognition!
The end word is “Priceless”! Got it?
|
|
Trixie:
|
But it’s not priceless. It cost me $1,000, and
that’s not what I’d call priceless
if you want to get technical…
|
|
AprilW:
|
(groaning) Trixie, the sentimental
value of the ring is priceless, and that’s what we’re measuring here. Don’t
you get it? It’s priceless.
|
|
Trixie:
|
(sniffing indignantly) No, it
costs a thousand dollars.
|
|
AprilW:
|
Can someone send in Present Trixie?
Maybe she’ll get it since this is a present-day commercial?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
