|
|
Bloopers from “Why Do Fools Fall in
Love?”
|
|
Jim:
|
(talking to florist on cell
phone while driving very quickly to Sleepyside) What do you mean you’re out of orchids?!
No, I don’t want carnations! I need an orchid corsage, and I need it now!
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
|
|
|
Scene 5, Take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
(hugging Trixie) Sometimes love is the greatest mystery of
all!
|
|
Trixie:
|
*gagging and giggling
madly* Can I have some pancakes to
go with that syrupy line?
|
|
|
Scene 6, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
(Trixie leans back in her office
chair and props her feet on her cluttered desk. She leans back too far, and
the office chair tips backwards and lands on the floor)
|
|
|
*kicking her feet* HOLP! I’ve fallen and I can’t get
up! *giggle*
|
|
|
Scene 9, Take 1
|
|
Jim:
|
The other kind of girl didn’t
dress up just to impress me or any other boy. She never does. She’s my
choice of the two. Right now her sandy curls need combing, and she sure
could use some lipstick.
|
|
Trixie:
|
Genuine?! Comfortable?! What
do you mean by that, James Winthrop Frayne?! (poking Jim’s supple chest
with her finger)
|
|
Jim:
|
(stuttering) I-I-I didn’t m-mea—
|
|
Trixie:
|
My curls need combing?!
(slapping away Jim’s freckled hand)
|
|
Jim:
|
That’s a good thing. They
look se—
|
|
Trixie:
|
Sure could use
lipstick?! (whacking Jim’s firm
bicep) *sniff, sniff* I’ll be in my trailer!
|
|
Jim:
|
(running after her) Trix!!!
|
|
April:
|
Uh… cut.
|
|
|
Scene 11, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Tell me.
|
|
Jim:
|
It means that you’re my special
girl, Trixie. As if you didn’t know that already. (leans in for that
long-awaited kiss)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! No kissing yet, Jim.
|
|
Jim:
|
But you promised me kissing
in the future uni!
|
|
April:
|
Yes, but this is a flashback scene.
Don’t blame me. I didn’t write that part.
|
|
Jim:
|
If I don’t get some action
soon, me and my fond glances are outta here!
|
|
|
Scene 18, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
And why would I subject
myself to such torture?
|
|
Honey:
|
Because you love Jim, and you
want to remove him from the clutches of that high-class bi—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Madeleine G. Wheeler!
I’m surprised at you! Where’s that legendary tact? The word is ‘hussy.’
Follow the script.
|
|
|
Scene 20, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
I can’t breathe! This dress
is cutting off my circulation!
|
|
Honey:
|
You don’t need to breathe;
just smile.
(Trixie attempts a bright
smile. Suddenly, she sneezes and RIIIPPPPPPP!!!)
|
|
Trixie:
|
I told you this dress was too
small!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Call wardrobe! And keep
Jim outta here!
|
|
|
Scene 22, Take 1
|
|
Jim:
|
(hugging Trixie) Wow, Trix!
You look fantastic!
|
|
Trixie:
|
(seductively whispering in
Jim’s ear) Clean up pretty good, don’t I, Frayne?
|
|
Jim:
|
(Holds Trixie even tighter and
starts nuzzling her neck and whispering in her ear. Suddenly, he picks her
up and carries her away.)
|
|
Trixie:
|
*giggling* Why, Jim! This is
all so sudden!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Get back here, and stick
to the script, Frayne!
|
|
|
Scene 25, Take 1
|
|
Amanda:
|
Oh, it’s so busy! I just got
a big contract to decorate a senator’s mansion. He is a close personal
friend of Daddy’s. It’s important to have the right connections. The
senator mentioned giving Jimmy a big, fat check for his school. Isn’t that
wonderful? (batting her eyelashes repeatedly) There is nothing more
important to me than… *eyes tightly
shut* AAARGHH!!! OMIGOSH! I CAN’T
MOVE MY EYES! SOMEBODY PUT SUPERGLUE IN MY MASCARA! AAAYYY!!! IT BURNS!!!
(Trixie stifles a grin and
sneaks off the set…)
|
|
|
Scene 31, Take 1
|
|
Di:
|
(popping appetizers into
Mart’s mouth)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Oh, brother! You two are
going to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch this all evening.
You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be sub… What’s that word?
|
|
April:
|
Subjected. Let’s try it
again. Scene 31, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Di:
|
(popping appetizers into
Mart’s mouth)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Oh, brother! You two are going
to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch this all
evening. You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be subjacent—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! That’s subjected,
Trixie! Take 3! Action!
(Mart burps as Di sticks yet another
appetizer into his mouth)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Oh, brother! You two are
going to make me lose my appetite if I have to sit here and watch this all
evening. You’re as bad as Moms and Dad. If I wanted to be subjoined—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! The word is subjected,
Trix. Let’s try it again.
|
|
Trixie:
|
Sorry. I’m having trouble
remembering that.
|
|
April:
|
No problem. Let’s take it
again from the top. Take 4!
|
|
Di:
|
(holding out another
appetizer for Mart…)
|
|
Mart:
|
(suddenly belches loudly and
covers his mouth) No more smoked salmon cream cheese pinwheels! (hastily
exits scene)
|
|
Di:
|
*giggle* I never thought I’d
see Mart run away from food!
|
|
Trixie:
|
How many of those things did
he have?
|
|
Di:
|
(peers onto plate) Well, I
started out with twelve, and the cameraman refilled my plate twice, so I
guess Mart’s had about 30 or so.
|
|
Trixie:
|
*chuckles evilly* Death by
hors d’oeuvre.
|
|
Di:
|
But what better way for Mart
to go!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Someone go check and see
if that awful hurling sound is coming from Mart’s dressing room.
|
|
|
Preparing to shoot Scene 33, Take 1
|
|
April:
|
Jim Frayne! Brian Belden!
Where are you? JIM! BRIAN! Get your butts on the set!
|
|
Assist. Dir.
|
April, I found them! They are
in the extras’ dressing room!
|
|
April:
|
(angrily stomps to the extras
dressing room and opens the door)
|
|
Jim:
|
(arm is around Kaye, he’s
looking at her fondly and he’s tugging
on a strand of hair) You know, Kaye, I really go for blonds. How about you dump the politician and be
my special girl?
|
|
Brian:
|
(stroking Kathy’s cheek) You
know, I’m not really a doctor, but I play one on TV. Mind if I practice my
bedside manner on you?
|
|
April:
|
JAMES WINTHROP FRAYNE the
Second! BRIAN PETER BELDEN! Stop fraternizing with the extras and get back
on set!
|
|
|
Scene 61, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Is
Mart keeping the ‘Cackling Witch with a Capital B’ occupied?
|
|
|
(Di looks uncomfortable and
quite confused.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Di, you’re supposed to
look perplexed, then smile as you figure it out. Let’s try it again. Scene
61, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
Is
Mart keeping the ‘Cackling Witch with a Capital B’ occupied?
|
|
|
(Once again, Di looks
confused and scratched her chin, as if deep in thought.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Are you having problems,
Diana?
|
|
Di:
|
Well, uh… I just don’t get it.
Witch doesn’t start with a ‘b’. It starts with a ‘w.’
|
|
April:
|
I know sweetie. That’s the
joke. Trixie is really giving a more accurate description of Amanda’s
personality without actually saying it. Get it?
|
|
Di:
|
(Shakes her head slowly,
staring in confusion) Not really. She’s a witch with a capital B?
|
|
April:
|
Think, Di! Take away the ‘w’
in ‘witch’ and replace it with a ‘b’.
|
|
Di:
|
*giggling* Oh, I get it!
That’s funny!
|
|
Trixie:
|
*sigh* Did you eat a lot of paint
chips as a child, Di?
|
|
Di:
|
*batting violet eyes in
confusion* Why do you ask?
|
|
|
Scene 65, Take 1
|
|
Jim:
|
Finally,
I want to acknowledge another special person, Amanda Woodward. *nods to
Amanda* (She does not come on stage.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Where’s Amanda? Was she
backstage, Jim?
|
|
Jim:
|
*blowing kisses at Trixie*
Uh… I didn’t see her.
|
|
April:
|
*to first assistant* Find the
shrew.
|
|
|
(Ten minutes later…)
|
|
First
Assistant:
|
*Out of breath* She’s in her dressing
room. She refuses to come out.
|
|
April:
|
Refuses to come out??!! Why?!
|
|
First
Assistant:
|
She says she’s sick of the
hate mail and the boos and the rotten tomatoes. Her shrink told her to take
a break, that this wasn’t good for her psyche.
|
|
April:
|
She knew she’d be hated when
she took this role! Tell her to get her butt out here now, or I’ll give her
part to Dot Murray!
|
|
|
Scene 66, Take 1
|
|
|
(Polite applause throughout ballroom.
Camera slowly pans to Trixie, who has is supposed to be crying, but is
not.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Where’s the tear,
Trixie? I need a tear.
|
|
Trixie:
|
OK. I’ll do better next time.
|
|
April:
|
Scene 66, Take 2! Action!
|
|
|
(Polite applause throughout
ballroom. Camera slowly pans to Trixie, who is squeezing her eyes together
tightly in an attempt to force out a tear.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! You look like your
constipated, Trixie. Let’s try this again and think sad thoughts. Reddy being
ran over. A shortage of orchids in florist shops around the world. No more
fond glances. Dusting 24 hours a day, seven days a week! Scene 66, Take 3!
Action!
|
|
|
(Polite applause throughout
ballroom. Camera slowly pans to Trixie, whose lip is quivering, but still
no tears.)
|
|
Mart:
|
Need me to kick her for you?
That might bring a tear or two?
|
|
|
Scene 70, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
I’m
sure you and Mr. Wheeler are very pleased at his choice for a bride. Amanda
is… very nice, and will… make a fine wife for Jim.
|
|
Mrs. Wheeler
|
I suppose so. She’s from an
up--- *cough, cough, cough* (in a raspy, heavy New Jersey accent) Can
somebody bring me a snoot of @*#% Jack Daniels? Gotta #%*@ frog in my throat.
*cough, cough, cough* And maybe a cig… I need a $&%# cig…
|
|
April:
|
Uh… cut.
|
|
|
(Several minutes later…)
|
|
Mrs.
Wheeler:
|
*taking one last drink from
her flask and putting out her cigarette* Aw right. Let’s get crackin’, missy.
I gotta meet Maude at the @#%* Bingo Hall at seven %#@$ o’clock. (Mrs.
Wheeler smoothes her hair, and once again begins speaking in her cultured
voice.) Where was I? Oh, yes. I suppose so. She’s from an upstanding
family…
|
|
|
Scene 72, Take 1
|
|
Regan:
|
Hunter green, emerald green,
sage green! I feel like I’m at some sort of freakin’ Crayola convention.
This would help if I wasn’t colorblind!
|
|
Dan:
|
(thumbing through wraps) Was
Kathy’s shawl navy blue, royal blue, or midnight blue?
|
|
Regan:
|
(groaning) You’ve been
watching too much ‘Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.’
|
|
Dan:
|
(doing his best sashay and
waving his hands) *in a lispy voice* That’s my favorite show, Billy. I jus’
luuuve how they color coordinate.
|
|
Regan:
|
(attempting to stifle a
chuckle and walking away with his head down)
|
|
Dan:
|
(skipping after Regan) Billy!
Come back!
|
|
April:
|
(rolling in floor, laughing)
Cut!
|
|
|
Scene 73, Take 1
|
|
Dan:
|
Mrs. Wheeler told us she had a
phone call and had to leave.
|
|
Regan:
|
I thought Mrs. Wheeler was
dead!
|
|
Dan:
|
No, you’re thinking about the
What Might Have Been Uni. Mrs. W is still kickin’ in this uni.
|
|
Regan:
|
(muttering under his breath) Stupid
director for having all these unis. What’s a ‘uni’ anyway?
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Regan, my office. NOW!
|
|
|
Scene 74, Take 1
|
|
Brian:
|
I was getting ready to leave.
I thought maybe you decided to lock me out.
|
|
Honey:
|
I thought about it. (stepping
aside to allow Brian to come in) Come on in.
|
|
Brian:
|
(sitting on couch, loosening
his tie) *in his best Rodney Dangerfield voice* No respect. I get no
respect.
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
|
|
|
Scene 75, Take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
(very angry) Brian Belden!
What is wrong with you?
|
|
Brian:
|
(very angry, as well)
Nothing! I’m just concerned about my baby sister!
|
|
Honey:
|
(growing more furious) Right
now I’m more concerned about… *giggle, snort, giggle*
|
|
Brian:
|
(staying in character) More
concerned about what? Learning your lines?
|
|
Honey:
|
(overcome with a fit of
giggles) Sorry… *giggle* Brian just looks sooo… *giggle* sooo serious….
*snort* and kind of mean… *giggle*
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
|
|
|
Scene 76, Take 1
|
|
Brian:
|
(holding Honey in his arms)
Oh, Honey, I’m so sorry.
|
|
Honey:
|
About what?
|
|
Brian:
|
Everything. About not
trusting Jim. About thinking Trixie was on the verge of suicide. About jumping
on you in the ballroom. About being an obsessive, compulsive, psy… Hey, I’m
not saying this! I’m not a psychotic whack job!
|
|
April:
|
We know you’re not, Brian.
But just say the line.
|
|
Brian:
|
(calling off-stage) Somebody
get El on the phone! Tell her to contact all the members of the Brian
Belden fan club immediately and picket sound stage two! I’m boring, not
psychotic!
|
|
April:
|
(to her first assistant)
Notify security that we’ll be dealing with some angry Brian fans. Call for
back up.
|
|
|
Scene 77, Take 1
|
|
Mart:
|
Besides, you call her
Mistress Squawkinhonker. I almost got a hernia trying to control my
laughter when you called her that during the announcement.
|
|
Di:
|
(leaning down and kissing
Mart’s neck) Poor baby.
|
|
Mart:
|
Then, to top it all off, Honey, Miss Congeniality of the… of
the… Ooh, yeah. Right there. That feels…
|
|
April:
|
Shall we leave you two alone?
*giggle* Need I remind you that this is Yellow Star?
|
|
|
Scene 79, Take 1
|
|
Mart:
|
(working himself up into a
dander) Just thinking about it makes me want to go to the Manor House and
see how Jim’s nose would look reattached to his forehead. He’ll regret breaking my sister’s heart!
|
|
Di:
|
(in a sweet voice) I pity the
fool who messes with your sister.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Di, you’re supposed to
do a Mr. T. impersonation with that line. *in a horrid Mr. T. voice that
would absolutely make Mr. T cringe*
I pity the fool who messes with my sista’!
|
|
Di:
|
*batting her violet eyes in
confusion* Who’s Mr. T.?
|
|
Mart:
|
*slapping forehead in
disbelief* You don’t know who Mr. T. is? The A Team? Rocky? Hello?
|
|
Di:
|
I didn’t watch those shows.
And shouldn’t it have been the T team if Mr. T. was on it?
|
|
April:
|
Don’t feel bad, Di. I didn’t
watch that stuff either. I just knew who he was because he was a Johnny
Bravo episode that Damon watched.
|
|
Di:
|
*nodding* Mart likes Johnny
Bravo.
|
|
April:
|
I thought he might…
|
|
|
Scene 81, Take 1
|
|
Mart:
|
I’ve
known she was crazy about him since I first read that letter we got from
her while Brian and I were at camp. *assuming falsetto voice* Jim’s just
about the most wonderful boy in the world…He’s simply super at all sports
and woodcraft… Jim’s such a stud
muffin… I just adore those
freckled hands of his…
|
|
April
& Di:
|
*giggling madly*
|
|
|
Scene 82, Take 1
|
|
Mart:
|
And you…
|
|
Di:
|
And I what?
|
|
Mart:
|
And I am married to…
|
|
Di:
|
And I am married to the sweetest,
most sensitive, most intelligent, handsomest, most charming, most loving,
most wonderful, most adorable,…
|
|
|
(All over the sound stage,
crew members begin throwing up…)
|
|
|
Scene 84, Take 1
|
|
Helen:
|
If I ever get pregnant again, I want the money back we spent on
your father’s vasectomy.
|
|
|
(Everyone in the van bursts
out laughing)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! We’re supposed to hear
the sound of tires rolling on the pavement, people.
|
|
|
Scene 85, Take 1
|
|
|
(Bobby
reaches behind Trixie with one of his long arms, and whacks Mart in the
head. Mart then reaches over Trixie with his shorter arm, and whacks Bobby
on the knee.)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Moms! Da—
|
|
|
*WHACK!!!*
|
|
Trixie:
|
*shrieking and holding her nose*
You hit me! I’m bleeding!
|
|
Bobby:
|
Sorry, sis. I guess I wasn’t
paying attention.
|
|
Mart:
|
Man! Look at the blood
gushing! I didn’t know the nose could hold so much!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Call the medic, somebody!
Brian, can you help til he gets here?
|
|
Brian:
|
I’m not really a doctor! Why
do I have to deal with this? Where’s my contract? I don’t think stemming
massive blood flow from Trixie’s septum is in our agreement.
|
|
Bobby:
|
Cool! It’s swelling up great
big! You look just like Marsha on the Brady Bunch, Trix!
|
|
|
Scene 86, Take 1
|
|
Brian:
|
(Leaning back in the seat) Man,
it sure is comfortable back here. I’ve got this whole seat to myself.
|
|
|
(Mart
and Bobby stop fighting. They look at one another, grin impishly and
unfasten their seatbelts. They turned around, bend over their seat, and
grab Brian’s long pant’s legs.)
|
|
|
WHOOSH!!!!
|
|
Brian:
|
Uh,
is it just me, or is it kind of drafty in here?
|
|
Bobby:
|
*Triumphantly
holding up Brian’s Levis* Whoo-hoo! By the way, nice boxers, dude.
|
|
Mart:
|
*scratching
chin thoughtfully* Wonder how much Brian Belden’s pants would go for on
e-Bay?
|
|
|
Scene 89, Take 1
|
|
Dan:
|
Can
anyone get in on this love-fest, or is it strictly a Belden thing?
|
|
Trixie:
|
(Laughing)
You might as well look just as cra—
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
Does anyone know where Jim is? He’s supposed to be in this scene, but he’s
not here.
|
|
|
(Everyone
looks around and shrugs)
|
|
April:
|
Someone
go tell him he’s needed on set. (The assistant director runs to Jim’s
trailer and returns 15 minutes later alone.) Where is Jim?
|
|
Assistant
Director:
|
Uhh….
He’s not coming.
|
|
April:
|
Not coming?!? Why
not?
|
|
Assistant
Director:
|
He
said he didn’t like the ending, so he’s not coming out until you change it.
He said til his character stops acting like an idiot, he’s on strike.
|
|
April:
|
(muttering
under her breath) How am I supposed to work with these people? Is it my
fault the muses are leading in this direction? Doesn’t he know there’s a
sequel? Good grief!
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bloopers from “Ain’t Too Proud to
Beg”
|
|
|
Scene 2, Take 1
|
|
April:
|
Okay. Here’s what I need you
to do for this scene. Trixie, you’re going to be hiding in the cabinet,
eavesdropping. Extra #1, you’re the business tycoon, and Extra #2, you’re
the doctor. In this scene the two of you are pretending to talk. This is a
flashback sequence, and your actual conversation won’t be heard, so you can
fake it. Trixie, after Doc and Tycoon exit, you wiggle out of the cabinet.
Everybody got it? Okay, let’s try it. Scene 2, Take 1! Action!
|
|
Extra #1:
|
Blah blah… sure is boring being
an extra… blah blah…
|
|
Extra #2:
|
Blah… you’re tellin’ me… blah
blah… it really bites…
|
|
Extra #1:
|
Blah blah… can we go now?
|
|
Extra #2:
|
Blah blah… yeah, let’s go…
(putting hand on Extra #1’s shoulder and leads him out)
|
|
|
(Extras exit stage)
|
|
|
*BANG* *BANG* (muffled scream) *BANG* *KICK*
|
|
Trixie:
|
I’m stuck! Somebody get me
outta here! *shriek* I’m not kidding! *BANG*
April! Are you there? *hysterical scream* I’m getting claustrophobic! Help!
*Bob! Bob-White!* Jim? JIIIM!!! Somebody! Anybody? *wail*
|
|
|
Scene 5, Take 1
|
|
Ralph:
|
(pointing to Jack) Ms.
Belden, before we get down to business, I would like to introduce you to
Jack Ryan.
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
Ralph, his name is Jack Palmer, not
Jack Ryan. That was the character
Harrison Ford played in “Patriot Games.” Let’s try it again. Scene 5, Take
2! Action!
|
|
Ralph:
|
(pointing
to Jack) Ms. Belden, before we get down to business, I would like to
introduce you to Jim Palmer.
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
The name is Jack Palmer, not Jim Palmer. Jim Palmer was the guy
in all those underwear commercials.
|
|
Jack:
|
*rolling
eyes* Jim Palmer was a baseball player.
|
|
April:
|
Are
you sure? Because I’m positive he
starred in some underwear commercials.
|
|
Jack:
|
*waving
hands in exasperation* Jim Palmer was a famous baseball player for the
Baltimore Orioles! Trixie, surely you
know who I’m talking about!
|
|
Trixie:
|
He
played baseball? Huh. I didn’t know that, but I definitely remember those
underwear commercials.
|
|
Jack:
|
*clutching
hair* Forget the underwear commercials! He was a baseball player! He later
became an announcer! Forget about the underwear commercials!
|
|
Trixie:
|
*fanning
herself* Those Jockey commercials are pretty tough to forget about, Jacko.
|
|
Ralph:
|
Didn’t
he do some kinda mortgage commercial after the underwear ones?
|
|
|
Scene 6, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
(shyly
smiling and offering her hand for Jack to shake) It’s a pleasure to meet
you.
|
|
Jack:
|
(taking
her hand) The pleasure is all
mine. (grins)
|
|
April:
|
Cut!
Trixie, that was perfect. Jack, you did that all wrong.
|
|
Jack:
|
*studying
his script* What did I do wrong? I
said my lines correctly.
|
|
April:
|
Yes,
that’s true. But Jack… that grin… It’s all wrong.
|
|
Jack:
|
Wrong?
What’s wrong with it? I’ve spent thousands at the dentist for this grin!
|
|
April:
|
Well
Jack, don’t get me wrong. You’re an extremely handsome man. Extremely! And normally, that grin
would be quite dashing. But for this role, it needs to be lopsided.
|
|
Jack:
|
Lopsided?
What are you talking about?
|
|
April:
|
Well,
I can’t explain it. I’ll have to show it to you. Jim! Come here for a
minute, please! You’re needed on set.
(Jim is, of course, at April’s beck and call, so he immediately run
on stage. J )
|
|
Jim:
|
How
can I be of service?
|
|
April:
|
Jim,
can you please grin for Jack. (Jim
obediently flashes his trademark lopsided grin.) Thank you, Jim. (Jim exits stage center.) Jack, did you see that? THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about! Your
grin has to be lopsided if you’re
going to offer any kind of competition to the supple redhead.
|
|
Jack:
|
I
can’t grin lopsided!
|
|
April:
|
*snort*
Well, then you’re fired. I’ll find me a new Jack who can.
|
|
Jack:
|
Wait!
Let me try! How’s this? *grin*
|
|
April:
|
*shaking
head* Eh, too Jack Nicholson-Jokery.
|
|
Jack:
|
Is
this better? *grin*
|
|
April:
|
*wrinkling
nose* Ick. Too Jim Carrey-goofy.
|
|
Jack:
|
How
about this? *grin*
|
|
Trixie:
|
That’s
a little better. But the right side needs to be down an itsy bitsy bit lower.
|
|
Jack:
|
*rolling
eyes* Who made you my boss?
|
|
Trixie:
|
*sniff* Hello? I’ve been seeing that lopsided
grin since 1948. I think I know it by now. When he first grinned at me in
the bo… er, in fanfi… er… When did
Jim get that lopsided grin?
|
|
April:
|
*scrunching
brow* Hmmm… I dunno. But his grin is
definitely lopsided. Maybe it was mentioned in Happy Valley or Cobbett’s
Island. Or was it in CathyP or Mary’s uni…? Carol, Dana, or…? *confused sigh*
|
|
|
Scene 8, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
Sure.
|
|
Jack:
|
(Leans in closer to Trixie
for the ki…)
|
|
Jim:
|
*breathlessly runs on
stage* Am I needed in this scene?
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Jim? What are you doing
here? You aren’t needed until Scene 15.
|
|
Jim:
|
Oops. Sorry. *sheepish lopsided grin* I thought
for sure that somebody called my name and said that I was needed on
set. (Exits stage left.)
|
|
April:
|
Okay. Sorry about that. Let’s
take it from the top. Scene 8, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
Sure.
|
|
Jack:
|
(Leans in closer to Trixie
for th…)
|
|
Jim:
|
*entering through the
emergency exit* Hey, everybody! I
brought lunch! Who wants plain pepperoni and who wants supreme?
|
|
April:
|
CUT! Jim’s it’s not
lunchtime! It’s only nine o’clock in the morning.
|
|
Jim:
|
Really? *tapping watch face* My watch must be wrong. Sorry. I’ll uhh…
give this to Mart and come back with some hot ones in a few hours. (Exits
stage right.)
|
|
April:
|
*frustrated sigh* Let’s try this again, Trixie and Jack.
Scene 8, Take 3! Action!
|
|
Trixie:
|
Sure.
|
|
Jack:
|
(Leans in closer to Tri…)
|
|
Jim:
|
*jumping on stage* HAHAHA!
I took those pizzas to Mart, and he just told me the funniest joke.
I knew you’d want to hear it. It’s a riot! Okay, there’s these thre---
|
|
April:
|
CUT!!! James Winthrop Frayne the Second! This is getting ridiculous!
We’re never going to finish this scene if you don’t quit interrupting us!
|
|
Jim:
|
Never finish it? *hopeful
look*
|
|
April:
|
A-HA! I see where this is
going, and it’s not going to work! Trixie has to kiss Jack in this scene, and that’s all there is to it!
So please leave, so we can get this finished.
|
|
Jim:
|
Can’t he just look at her
fondly?
|
|
April:
|
This is no time for jealousy,
Jim. We have a deadline.
|
|
Jim:
|
Are you positive? ‘Cause those
fond glances carry a lot of weight a—
|
|
April:
|
JIM!!! If you aren’t OFF my
stage in two shakes, this little kissing scene is goin’ Red star, buddy. Red star! I’m talkin’ Jix ‘full of nudity, password-protected,
detail-laden, steamy-window, scrog-happy’ 18! Do you get my d—
|
|
Jim:
|
*races off set, leaving dust
trails behind him*
|
|
|
Scene 10, Take 1
|
|
|
(Telephone rings. Trixie
walks to phone, looks at caller ID, and picks up phone.)
|
|
Trixie:
|
Schoolgirl Shamuses, INC.
California branch.
|
|
Voice:
|
Trixie Belden, this is
President Bush. I’m requesting your help for an important assignment.
|
|
April:
|
CUT!!! *exhaling loudly* We don’t have time for jokes, people!
This has to get finished! Brian Belden! Get out here, and quit fooling
around!
|
|
Brian:
|
(enters stage left) What? I just got out of wardrobe. Do you
need me?
|
|
April:
|
Jim Frayne! We’re on a tight
schedule. If you want to get rid of the honking hussy, you’d better let me
finish this scene!
|
|
Jim:
|
(enters stage right) What’s going on? I was just wrapping up
this harmonica for BethAnn for the anniversary. Do you need my help?
|
|
April:
|
Dan Mangan! Where are you,
and what have you been doing?
|
|
Dan:
|
(enters from emergency exit,
blowing kisses to the pretty make-up artist) See ya later, Sue. Thanks for keeping
that black leather jacket safe for me. And remember, we’ve got a date. *wink*
Did you yell for me, April?
|
|
April:
|
Don’t play coy with me, guys.
I know one of you made a prank call earlier.
|
|
Mart:
|
(exits April’s office, and
enters center stage) Need me to
rough ‘em up for you, sweetheart?
*carefully hiding cordless phone behind back*
|
|
|
Scene 11, Take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
(speaking in monotone) You’re not stupid. It’s only logical that
wearing that dress would… what’s the rest of my line?
|
|
Trixie:
|
*giggle* (opens microwave door, gets out tea, and
slams microwave door shut) Yo—
|
|
|
CRASH!!!
|
|
|
(False wall between Trixie’s
“kitchen” and rest of stage falls down. Trixie looks over and sees Honey
sitting on the other side, holding a phone, with her mouth gaping open.)
|
|
Trixie:
|
---u’re a stinky actress, and
you’re right here, in my very own kitchen!
*runs to Honey and hugs her*
Oh Honey! You’ve come all this way to see me!
|
|
|
Scene 12, Take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
*gasp* What did you do?
|
|
Trixie:
|
Jack took care of it. *laugh*
He told them that I suffered from opti… opti… ooo—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! That’s optifocinalgia,
Trixie. Let’s try it again. Scene 12, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Honey:
|
*gasp* What did you do?
|
|
Trixie:
|
Jack took care of it. *laugh*
He told them that I suffered from optifoca-now-now.
|
|
April:
|
Cut! *giggle*
Trixie, that’s optifocimeuralgia.
|
|
Honey:
|
I thought it was
optifocamymphia.
|
|
April:
|
Or maybe it was
optifocachondria?
|
|
Honey:
|
Optifocutaneous?
|
|
April:
|
Optif—
|
|
Trixie:
|
*yawn* I’m going to lunch.
|
|
|
Scene 18, Take 1
|
|
Bobby:
|
Dude, you look like crap.
|
|
Jim:
|
(gasps, then chuckles
wryly) Gee, thanks.
|
|
Bobby:
|
No, I mean it. (rises to his
feet) You look awful, man. You look
like the Cryptkeeper, or so—
|
|
Jim:
|
CUT! Hold the boat! The
Cryptkeeper? I look like the Cryptkeeper?!
Are you allowed to write that? Cause if Cathy hears that you’ve been
calling me names like that, you’re gonna get in a whole lotta trouble. And
I don’t think you wanna mess with Cathy. Word on the street is that she can
make Dirty Harry wet his pants…
|
|
|
Scene 22, Take 1
|
|
Jim:
|
(standing in doorway,
eavesdropping on Honey while she’s talking on the phone) *silently
mouthing* James Bond. Whoop-eee!
(rolling eyes and gesturing wildly)
|
|
Honey:
|
(talking on phone) Is he arrogant? Some guys like him are such male chau—
|
|
Jim:
|
KEEERRRR-CHOOOO!!!
|
|
Honey:
|
---vanist pi… *falls off of the sofa, giggling madly*
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Can somebody bring Jim a
Kleenex?
|
|
|
Scene 26, Take 1
|
|
Honey:
|
No. Nothing of interest to
you. (flipping through channels and
finally settles on “Once Upon a Honeymoon”)
|
|
Jim:
|
I thought for sure I heard
you say ‘after you get home’. Of course, I wasn’t really listening, so I could
be mistaken. Is she going someplace?
(Several minutes pass…)
*nervously clearing
throat* I said, is she going
someplace? *cough, cough* Earth to Honey? Where’s Trixie?
(Several more minutes pass…)
Uh… gee… I wonder if anyone
will ever tell me if Trixie’s going someplace… *yawn* I wonder if anyone is going to
yell ‘Cut!’ or if we’ll be here all day… April? APRIL?!
|
|
Honey:
|
*dreamy sigh* That Cary Grant is one fiiiine man…
|
|
April:
|
*dreamy sigh while sitting in
the director’s seat* He sure is… Oh!
I love this part! There’s that grin I love so much…
|
|
|
Scene 32, Take 1
|
|
Jim:
|
(Talking to self in
graveyard) Any sacrifice you make
will be worth it when you hold her in your arms… (Runs to Suburban, slipping and sliding through
the mud…)
SPLAT!!!
|
|
April:
|
Cut! You OK, Jim? (Jim nods.) He’s all right. Let’s try it again. Scene
28, Take 2! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
(Talking to self in
graveyard) Any sacrifice you make
will be worth it when you hold her in your arms… (Runs to Suburban, slipping and sliding
through the mud. Reaches vehicle and yanks on the door handle.)
*HONK HONK
HONK* Step away from the vehicle. *HO---*
|
|
April:
|
Cut!!! *muttering under her
breath* (hits keyless entry to
Suburban to stop alarm) Play it
again, Sam. Scene 28, Take 3! Action!
|
|
Jim:
|
(Talking to self in
graveyard) Any sacrifice you make
will be worth it when you hold her in your arms… (Runs to Suburban, slipping and sliding
through the mud. Reaches vehicle and yank on the door handle. Flings open
door, hops inside, and inserts key into ignition.)
Puhpuhpuhpuh *sputter* puhpuhpuhpuh
*gasp* puhpuhpuhpuh *silence*
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Is Brian or Tom on set?
Ask them if they know anything about a 5300 5.3L V8 engine.
|
|
|
Scene 32, Take 1
|
|
|
(Setting is a street near
Trixie’s apartment building in California)
|
|
Trixie:
|
And what kind of… exercising
would help you the most? (cast
sultry smile at Jack)
|
|
Jack:
|
(steps closer to Trixie and
takes her in his arms) This
kind. (Lowers lips to ki…)
|
|
Whispering Voice Off Camera:
|
Trixie Belden… This is your conscience… Do not kiss that man… He
is not the one you love… You can love no other than the supple redhead… I repeat…
Do not kiss Jack… This is your conscience speaking… This is the voice of
wisdom… Bobby needs his own story… Write Bobby a love scene with a gorgeous
supermodel… (hearing approaching
footsteps)
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. I am the great
an---
|
|
April:
|
*yanking back curtain* Bobby Belden! Get off my stage!
|
|
Bobby:
|
*grinning impishly* Jim said he’d give me twenty bucks if I
could break up the kissing scene.
*happily holding up $20 bill*
|
|
Jim:
|
(stomps on set and yanks
money out of Bobby’s hand) You just had
to ask for the supermodel…
|
|
|
Scene 39, Take 1
|
|
Jack:
|
*smiling sadly* (After handshake with Jim ends, Jack reaches
over and grabs the lapels of Jim’s suit jacket) Break her heart again and
I’ll break your neck. (straightens lap---)
|
|
Jim:
|
(slaps Jack’s hand away) Back off, you… *squinting at script* … stupid poopie-head?!
|
|
Jack:
|
(shoves Jim against the
wall) And if I don’t back off,
what’re you gonna do about it, you… big, mean *chortle* dummy-face?!
|
|
Jim:
|
(punches Jack in the
gut) I’ll do that, you… *snicker* ugly, stinky *double-checks script*
puke-breath?!
|
|
Jack:
|
(lands a right hook on Jim’s
nose) Get outta here, you… *smirk*
cootie-infested *chuckle*… hairy do—
|
|
April:
|
Cut! Guys, we’re supposed to be having a
serious fight scene here! Quit with the laughing and the snickering! What’s
wrong with you?
|
|
Jim:
|
Well, it’s kinda hard to have
an intense fist fight after you’ve just called someone poopie-head.
|
|
Jack:
|
I agree. For this to be
evenly remotely credible, you’re gonna have to throw a “@!#$” in there. And
maybe a loud “%*&#”.
|
|
Jim:
|
A good “@#!$” would also be
nice.
|
|
April:
|
You boys are lucky I don’t
have a bar of soap here. *sigh* I’ll go make some changes…
|
|
|
Scene 47, Take 1
|
|
Trixie:
|
(sobbing) Go home, Jim. We’ll talk when I come back
to Sleepyside to visit.
|
|
Jim:
|
Do you love me?
|
|
Trixie:
|
Yes, I love you! I’ve always
loved you! But this mean, vindictive director insists upon keeping us
apart! Let’s run away my love!
*jumps into Jim’s arms, and they begin kissing passionately*
|
|
April:
|
*ripping up script and
throwing pieces up in the air* I’ll
uh… be in my office…
|
|
|
Scene 50, Take 1
|
|
|
(Trixie and Jim have
reconciled. Jim is holding Trixie in his arms. He sets her on the ground.)
|
|
Jim:
|
(murmuring tenderly) Dad. He said it would be worth it when I
held you in my arms. And he was right.
(He lowers his lips to Trixie’s. The kiss deepens. Trixie wraps her
arms around Jim. Jim buries hands in Trixie’s curls. Jim’s freckled hand
moves back down and begins sliding up Trixie’s shirt.)
|
|
April:
|
Cut! What’re you doing, Jim?
Jim?! *holding megaphone up to Jim’s
ear* JIIIMMM!!! CUT!!!
An hour later…
|
|
Man:
|
(walks up to April) Hey lady, we’re scheduled to use the
stage next to shoot a commercial, an—
|
|
April:
|
*sigh* I’m sorry. I’ve tried to get them to
quit. They’ve been in their own little world with their lips locked for
over an hour now, an—
|
|
Man:
|
I’m not mad. I was just going
to ask if you thought they’d mind being in my Big Red commercial.
|
|
April:
|
*snort* They’re perfect. Now I’m going home.
|
